Learn Something About Love

From me?  No, you aren’t going to learn anything about love from me.  That requires me to actually be in love and pass knowledge onto you like you’re all some dick-riding disciples.  Nothing aggravates me more when people say, “You don’t know what love is,” or, “Nobody knows what love truly is.”  I understand the intensity and impact surrounding the word, but that doesn’t mean it’s universally undefined.  There’s no reason for couples to make the word so cryptic that they try to force themselves to discover the true meaning.  I’m not going to jump through hoops to define my meaning of the word just to satisfy your insatiable hunger.

Words are apparently not enough these days.  At least when I’ve been in relationships, I’ve had to suffer through many grueling tasks in order to prove I meant that love wasn’t just a 4 letter word.  I swear these girls were psycho over this word with multiple meanings.  If she said, “I love you,” and I didn’t respond with a similar phrase, I got that pathetic little death glare girls give when you aren’t thinking the exact same thing as them. You aren’t going to exorcise that phrase out of me just because you said it.  We’ve been dating for what, 2 weeks?  In this stage after 2 weeks of thought, I love you as much as I do my Xbox.  Yeah, you’re awesome, but your tone suggests we’ve been married at least half a century. You haven’t given me much time to allow your personality and all those good things to sink in.

In my opinion, you and I won’t reach “love” unless we’ve come to some kind of mutual agreement.

We’ve got to understand each other and we don’t need to have sex just so we can say we’re in love.

“Like OMG, Evan, save that word for the woman you’re going to be with for the rest of your life!”

Oh shit, my bad, I’ve already used it on that one girl I don’t even talk to anymore. I can’t say it ever again.

Chances are you’ll have a few relationships in your lifetime.  You never know who you’re going to end up with, or you never know who you’re not going to end up with.  Why enter each relationship thinking you’re going to spend the rest of your life with this individual?  People hate it when I have this “negative” attitude about dating.  Yes, I’m going to predict that you guys are going to break up within the next few months.  It’s not going to work out because you’re going to truly figure out who you both are and then move on to other people.  Essentially, you’re practicing by using a fake version of the word “love” on other people until you get to that hyped up moment of marriage with some other person you would have never imagined.

No wonder people get heartbroken so often. Does this make me a bad boyfriend because I think most relationships are going to end prematurely? Not really, I see you using me as practice until you can finally use the word for real on the person you really love. You’re welcome.  I’m glad you used me as a training tool to find your true love.  Dating really is a trial and error process.

Crayons of Chaos

I have drawn you into my existence with the fine point of my pencil. You’re here because I invited you into my life on the assumption that I’ve met somebody special. At the time of our acquaintance you were simply grey and white; there was no color to define who you really were and how you fit into my existence. As time went on, I colored you in by the day to represent how close we’ve gotten. My intentions were to create a beautiful masterpiece of artwork.

Orange: I colored in a shade of orange because you seemed so happy to be with me. Your enthusiasm was truly adored and orange is a vibrant color. It can’t be missed and orange has that appeal to really pull me in without missing you. Something seems so right about you. You have that potential to turn into a thing of beauty.

Yellow: I colored in the sun with an energetic yellow to shine right above you to compliment the true joy you bring into my life. The warmness of the color shining onto you really enhances the beauty of your smile.

Green: I colored you in with a green to symbolize our growth together. Green is soothing to the eyes, it doesn’t disturb. You have awaken me from my slumber as I was once descending into true darkness. I feel that you have magically healed me.

Blue: Blue was added to celebrate the trust we have achieved in each other. I have scavenged beyond your physical beauty and have discovered a true depth in you I was afraid didn’t exist. The others have been two-dimensional. The shining of the sun has a produced a silhouette, ripping out any darkness that you had inside yourself. There is no more darkness in you, only an ocean blue.

Red: Red was darkly colored into you as the crayon disintegrated into my hand rather fast to represent the love we share for each other. Blood circulates through your system to truly you bring you alive. I have seen a power in you, working with the shade of blue to pull me in. The powers of love and trust have radiated into my body, establishing a connection between us that we can share for eternity.

Purple: A royal purple was was surely imminent. I had no idea that we would fall in love like this. This is my declaration to you that I will always worship you as a Goddess until our dying day.

Black: I have seen you for what you really are. You are a cold monster whose heart only warrants a deep coloring of black until the crayon gets dull in my hand. I was so drawn to your beauty but your black heart is a true depiction of who you really are. How ignorant I was to interpret you as a beautiful masterpiece rich in color.

I’m struggling to erase you out of my existence.  I can only smear the colors, but your heart is still black and it will never change.

They Died For Me

The angels hang by the tightening nooses of their halos.

The halos illuminate the room with a piercing white light

That glows upon my mortal face. Their eyes lock

On with mine, they are aware of my presence.

I am weakening like they are, but I have nothing to give

To express my gratitude to my guardians.

The halos are losing their beautiful glow,

Darkening the room to a blind Nothing.

They’re suspended in the air by the heavenly noose

While their elegant white wings disintegrate to black ashes.

They promised me their strength and faith in me

Would never dissipate in this world.

Below their feet, while shaking violently till their last breath,

A blinding white light shines, illuminating the room

Without the influence of the Sun or Moon.

The streaks of light swirl about the angels

And then pierces through my mortal being.

My heart no longer bleeds, as the angels

Have bestowed the powers of strength, love, and faith.

The eyes of my guardians have finally sealed as they

Dangle from their halos. All lights have gone out,

Revealing the world of Nothing we’ve all feared.

My heart begins to thump uncontrollably until it

Enlightens the world to a glorious sight.

I can no longer see my guardians dangle from their halos,

I’ve entered a beautiful world I’m familiar with

That drowns in chaos.

I’m on my own.

Strength. Love. Faith.

I Just Met My Potential Future Brother In-Law

It isn’t long until the family you’ve grown up with for so many years starts adding members to the family tree.  Your mother could’ve given birth, you could’ve discovered long lost cousins, or your sister fell in love with a guy who hails from Connecticut.  The last of these three possibilities rings true today.   I was aware of his arrival because of my dog’s incessant barking.  I was thoroughly excited to meet this guy, although naturally anxious because this could be the guy that grants my sister his last name for the rest of eternity.

I don’t know much about this guy and I’ve spent the majority of my time protesting the relationship.  I was initially scared because this guy lives in Connecticut, no where near our home state.  This means he can get away with practically everything and nobody in our immediate family would ever know about it.

I put on my glasses and stumbled into the kitchen of our house.  Once I got a look at him I politely introduced myself with a customary handshake and a twitch of my awkward eyes.  We’ve literally exchanged no more than five words since his arrival, but he had to go back to the airport because they lost his baggage.  The only thought that I could conjure up in my melon was “This is it.”

“This is it.”  This is the beginning of the rest of our relationship and physical existence.  I can’t tell you if he’s here to stay permanently because they are talking about marriage, but it’s only in the discussion stages.  It’s just weird to think that twenty years from now, I’ll be in my forties potentially playing with their children before we all sit around the table sharing a Thanksgiving meal, establishing new family traditions as the years roll by.

He seems like a great guy and I’m all for giving him a chance.  I’m taking him to see Django Unchained this weekend.  He’s reportedly a film buff just like me, so we’re already off to a great start.  I can only hope for the best because I have a feeling this guy is going to be here for a long time.  He just better like the movie, because Tarantino is one of my favorites.

A Boyfriend’s Letter Sent From Heaven

Dear the Love of my life,

I’ve been dead for about a week now ever since the incident that claimed my life. I know you’re still grieving, but I thought I’d write you this letter so you know that I’m still watching over you. You’re just as lovely, if not more so, when I look down from Heaven. You can look up towards the sky at any time and smile at me and I’ll always smile back. Can you believe that you’re actually reading this right now? The technology is top notch up here in Heaven. Two angelic messengers named Malachy and Engel delivered this specially to you and I look forward to writing you even more in the future.  My senses, and God’s infinite knowledge and awareness, tells me that you’ll be doing nothing but reading my letters.  To prove that this letter is from me even after my death, although my handwriting should be an obvious indication, I included the engagement ring that I was planning on giving to you the night of my death.

We had a strong six years going and that engagement ring would’ve fit beautifully on your finger. I spent many days when I was alive always thinking about our future together. Our love is what kept me going for so many years and I couldn’t wait to spend the rest of my time on Earth with you until our dying day, hand in hand. I still have that slip of paper with your phone number on it when we first met at your friend’s party. I was a little reluctant to call you at first, but I knew we had some connection and might as well have given it a try. They say to never share a kiss on the first date, however we knew we were in love on that first date. I can still taste that first kiss and it’s probably my favorite memory of us. It held a predictive power that opened our eyes to our future. Images of our love saturated my mind at that moment and made me think about us many years down the road. That slip of paper with your phone number on it is in the left pocket of my pants that I was wearing when I passed. I planned to show it to you again before I died to remind us of our beautiful past. I hope, even in my death, that you’ll carry our love with you for the rest of time.

Let’s not kid ourselves though, I’ve learned a lot up here in my first week in Heaven. I’m glad I was able to die peacefully in my sleep, however when I see the replay footage I could do nothing but shake my head. Remember how you’ve had sleeping problems every night we went to bed since we started dating? I never had issues, but a week ago you decided to overdose me. You slipped some of your medication into my wine while I wasn’t looking as we were preparing for a lovely night. I could’ve made it through the night eventually, but you took a baseball bat and bludgeoned me to death while I was unconscious. May I say you’ve got a hell of a swing? All of those years playing softball in the church league really helped you improve; I’m glad to see you’ve managed to  put your skills to use. The neighbors are starting to complain about a foul smell roaming around the neighborhood in proximity of our house. You can’t keep my body in the crawlspace forever, babe, so I suggest you dissolve it in some acid and then pour the sludge of my remains down the bathtub drain. You can still dig your phone number out of my pocket before you do so if you want to keep it. I think it’s funny that there are three 6′s in your number. You’re safe for now, but eventually investigators will search our house and the evidence to convict you will be overwhelming. Didn’t think that one through, did ya?

I never treated you wrong, although now I understand your motive for killing me. You never loved me even though I’ve loved you all these years. But now I know that you’ve been cheating on me with that Charlie guy we’ve been friends with for quite some time. You didn’t just whore around with him though, you went and slept with many other guys while I’ve been faithful. God told me that until you’re arrested for my murder, you’re going to continue to cheaply sleep around with other men while using that same slip of paper with your phone number on it.

Please don’t be discouraged by these words, because you’re going to be reading a lot of letters from me as you make your journey to death row.  Please, enjoy the engagement ring.

Until next time my Love,

– Evan

She’s Beautifully Broken

She’s branded like an animal, experiencing insufferable pain in the hands of inequality. She knows not what she has done wrong, she only knows that she’s being persecuted for being herself. It isn’t uncommon in the history of our existence to notice how often she’s being oppressed. Nobody recognizes that she is a human first and a woman second. Why must she be hurt for the latter, when the real flaws are fully realized in the first? Nobody deserves ill-treatment because we’re all humans first, we all possess a variety of flaws because we are humans.

Surely he has the physical prowess to inflict pain on her body and in her mind, but what she lacks in physical strength she makes up for in spirit. Her spirit overpowers his physical strength as she’s able to overcome the damage while it haunts him for the rest of his life. He wasn’t the least bit concerned about how she’d feel in the aftermath, but is baffled to learn that his mind is taking over his body, torturing him for his crimes while she continues to flourish despite a violent past. Knowing that she has lived another day, her spirit and positivity have grown stronger. The oppressor failed his task, he has failed to break her permanently because her spirit has built her back together.  He’ll live the rest of his life with poisoned memories.

Treat her with utmost respect and nonviolence because you wouldn’t be here without her. She has lived a beautiful life regardless of the violent interruptions. She has lived and gotten stronger each day because of you and for you.

Have faith in her, for she is your Creator. She loves you despite the numerous flaws in your character. Look into her eyes and disregard the color, your reflection should tell you that she’s looking right back at you, watching over her best creation.

Mental Error

Embrace your insanity. It is in these times when your mind is at its utmost creative state. It manipulates the reality in front of you, creating an entirely new world for you to explore. This vision may be beautiful or it can be utterly terrifying to the point that your insanity is most destructive.

Look out into the world and see what’s really there, then edit it until you see fit just like any talented artist would. Your mind is a cluster of many different colors of paint working towards a beautiful masterpiece. With this tool, you can do anything, there are no limits whatsoever. The world in front of you isn’t as complete as your own mind; your own mind has created the world in front of you. This is the reason you and I don’t see eye to eye on numerous occasions, because our minds are at work producing two different pieces of artwork. The ideas may seem similar but the art succumbs to the realm of interpretation.

You see nothing but a lovely woman making her way into your heart. I see a lovely young woman making her way into your heart, only to suffocate it with the monstrosity within her.

You see nothing but wonderful colors the leaves of the tree emit in the glow of spring weather. I see past the beautiful colors and see it for what it used to be in its ugly history. Many lives were lost at this site.

You see nothing but the entirety of the beautiful world in front of you, beholding many mysteries ahead. I see the same world, yet a creature so demonic blocks my view of it as he stands in front of me, staring intently into my eyes with a red glow.

Is this truly a mental error? I’m not going to question my own mind. It works with my heart to keep me alive, so I’m not allowed to question it. I’m just going to agree with its projections. I’m not crazy, my mind is just an entirely different artist on its own.

7 Types of Girlfriends You Should Avoid

1. The Parking Meter

The majority of us are still wallowing in an economic crisis and struggle by the day just to financially support ourselves.  Enter the Parking Meter, a woman that is determined to see more action from the presidents printed on your money instead of you.  Her coup de grâce is declaring any normal outing with you as a date, which in turn forces you to pay for her for all activities planned for the day.  She guzzles your wallet by the dollar like a Russian having a field day with vodka and will continue to gut your wallet by the hour because there is no free parking, gentlemen.

2. The “I Wear the Pants in the Relationship” Girl

You’ve made this girl upset over something frivolous and has unsuccessfully deployed her entire arsenal of arguments to make you look like the bad guy.  When all else fails, she will resort to, “Well, I feel that I wear the pants in the relationship!”  This death blow is a phenomenon commonly used in relationships.  It signals that she has overcome women’s oppression and now possesses the dick to dictate how things work in the relationship.  In reality, her version of wearing the pants is yelling at you while she’s curled up on a bed crying, expecting you to make a desirable change just for her.

3. The Feminazi

Feminists are great, but not feminists who absolutely hate men.  If you date the Feminazi, expect a verbal beat down in public whenever you attempt to hold the door open for her or any other nice gesture your mother taught you as a child.  She will undoubtedly never shave her legs as she’ll be sure to tell you, “I refuse to give in to your every male-like demand!  I will never shave my legs just so I can look attractive to you.”  A two for the price of one deal kind of girl, she is likely also a “I Wear the Pants in the Relationship” girl.

4. The Detective

In the Detective’s court of law, it’s practically impossible to prove your innocence when it comes to anything.  She’s constantly high-strung with an overly ambitious imagination.  95% of the time she will charge you with the crime of cheating, even if you’re caught red handed speaking to your mother over the phone.  She’ll quickly throw together a case, going so far as to pluck a hair off your head while you’re innocently watching T.V. and retreat to her underground laboratory, obsessively trying to match your D.N.A. with another hair she found at some chick’s house. When the Detective’s case goes cold, she’ll confront you and make up a story so ridiculous that only she can believe it.

5. The Sexter

She doesn’t want to have sex with you, so instead she elects to do her damage over a cellular device much to your dismay.  Somehow, she’s expecting a pornographic novel from you each and every text, although you aren’t sure how words from your filthy sewer could ever make her wet because you don’t hold a candle to Edward Cullen.  It isn’t long until she verbalizes her displeasure with your efforts, therefore killing your technological boner and any chance you ever had of legitimately bedding her.

6. The Wood Chipper

The physically sexual counterpart of the Sexter, this girl elects to do her damage in the bedroom, sometimes with her mouth.  She’s relatively excited to do some dirty deeds, but quickly kills the mood when the common blowjob turns into a Saw trap and you’re fighting for your life.  You don’t have the heart to relay to this sexually naive individual that she’s doing it wrong, so you decide it’s best if you just lay back and let her teeth turn your penis into a modern art masterpiece.

7. The “I Need Compliments Daily” Girl

A girl who already acknowledges, judging from numerous comments and likes on her Facebook photos, that she is physically beautiful.  That doesn’t stop her from incessantly searching for compliments no matter the time of day.  Eventually, even as her boyfriend, your opinion won’t matter anymore because she’s busy recruiting other ogling eyes in order to determine who wants to have sex with her next.  This business plan will leave you in the dust wondering why you aren’t good enough.  Simply, she’s a whore.

Until My Dying Day

Until my dying day, I will gaze up into the blue sky as it fades to a darkness that cannot be chased away. I’ll be waiting for the white blinding glow of an angel’s halo to dip from the starless sky, illuminating my face with hope. An eerie silence will permeate through the cracks of my soul, poisoning my brain, bringing peace of mind. The halo will continue to drape down the walls of the atmosphere until it wraps around my neck and begins to strangle me. The glow will render my body transparent as peace will travel through my ice cold veins until my visible breath no longer lingers in front of me. The angel will then reel me up on her angelic noose, bringing me out of this world of hatred, and into a realm of white shine infected with peace, ruled by my Creator.

The flames of Hell were reaching the surface underneath my feet and burning them. The flames will never reach my heart though. My heart and mind are far above the reach of Hell. Instead, they opt for the blue of the sky.

Hell will always be beneath me, forever burning my feet but never my heart.