1. Thanks to the economy, even with a college degree I feel about as useless as Rosie O’Donnell’s personal trainer.
2. Without a job, I’m as broken as Kevin Ware’s leg.
3. I’ve learned at college parties that I don’t get exponentially sexier when people consume more alcohol. Thus, my chances of saving the human race by reproducing in a post-apocalyptic setting are nonexistent.
4. Future employers are monitoring my social media presence like the eyes of the Mona Lisa.
5. The delivery man from Papa John’s has learned my name and my consistent, destructive eating habits in the span of a semester.
6. There are more calories in my beer and sandwich than there are dollars in my bank account.
7. Miley Cyrus’ foam finger has had more action in one stage performance than I’ve had in my entire college career. Thus, I couldn’t get laid by a bed and pillow combination.
8. I’ve become an expert in making decent Netflix selections, awkward run-ins with an ex-girlfriend, and being painfully average. All skills that are pertinent to scarce jobs available in the real world.
9. I have yet to overcome my constant blushing problem even after countless presentations. My boss will love it when my face becomes redder than his dog’s erection during a meeting.
10. Hire me.
My Seven Devils 