Dating is the foreplay of romantic relationships, just like job interviews are the foreplay of employment and a BAC of .29 is the foreplay of a one-night stand and genital herpes. You’ve managed to register your creepy reflection on the iris of an accidental onlooker and formed a coherent sentence to ask him/her out on a date. This date is meant to arouse the two (or more) involved in order to lay the foundation for a relationship. As the world is our playground, there’s an assortment of locations and ideas to engage in said ‘foreplay’.
The Dinner and a Movie Combo
A traditional, tried-and-true option, this is the Human Centipede of sequential romance: Dinner-Movie-Relationship. It’s always a safe bet if you’re unable to be more creative or if your empty stomach is on the verge of digesting itself. A couple will frequent a restaurant for a first date because food is always awesome and it gives them a chance to monologue about their supposedly eventful lives, occasionally interrupted by the chaperone and third wheel for the evening – the server. Once the chatting loses its steam and the food has converted your bowels into a fully functional flamethrower, a trip to the cinema follows. This allows both parties to rest their vocal cords while better-looking people, called celebrities, yammer about their characters’ inconveniences for 2 hours. Afterwards, the couple may believe a second date is a necessary course of action. Maybe one member of this party feels that this evening’s journey deserves mandatory thank-you sex because their wallet lost weight. I’d gamble the former is the appropriate next step because I want to consume another round of greasy tacos and continue our discussion on cat toys and Apple’s stock history.
The Athletic Date
Nothing solidifies a relationship more than grabbing athletically-disguised murder weapons and doing something with them to score points. When we were 6 years-old, our idea of athletics were blowing bubbles and racking up grisly boo-boos to impress a fellow 6 year-old we thought was attractive. We’ve now graduated to sports that contain phallic-shaped gear and cheap sex jokes about said gear. Miniature golf and bowling are common staples of the dating scene that allow friendly competition and flirtatious insults on athletic ability. Men fear that they’ll lose to their female date, assuming their inability to putt under par at a pirate-themed Miniature golf course leads her to predict his incompetence in the bedroom. Competition runs rampant when you’re on an athletically-themed date, but bowling a 49 versus a 271 has not been statistically proven to hamper your chances of a relationship or engaging in steamy bedroom acrobatics.
The Tinder Match-Up
Tinder is a mobile app that grants your index finger the power to select a date based on pixelated photographs and shared Facebook interests like Madonna and “When I was your age, Pluto was a planet”. Assuming that person also thinks you’re awesome and attractive, you will be matched and allowed to message each other. Like a sperm, you have to compete against other sperm who also matched with this person in order to be recognized. When their full attention is captured by your stunning Tinder profile, the other sperm will fall like Jamaican Olympic runners in Cool Runnings. Tinder is also good at locating singles that aren’t within your immediate area; it reveals any specimen in need of loving within 100 miles that you’d probably not run into at your local pub or ratchet factory. Tinder matches are a bit of a wild-card, meaning you and your match’s virtually anonymous personalities allow for plentiful conversation and a chance to determine whether they’re the real Zodiac killer or not.
The Bar
The date hasn’t necessarily been arranged, it’s just a random encounter fueled by blue balls and alcohol-generated confidence. You’re also surrounded by a sea of loud patrons that produce more sweat than Foxconn. Given the date is now inaudible, a bud light and the movement of your eyeballs will guide the rest of the evening. Alcohol will progressively make you and your beer partner appear more attractive, transitioning from looking like a tagged photo on Facebook to a public profile picture. Physical attraction is important here just like any other date, but communication is also essential to selling the product. Even if you’ve mastered the English language, being intoxicated may render your tongue stupid and encourage you to create words out of thin air like George W. Bush. Sounding like the inner-city version of a Webster’s dictionary, you’ve managed to convince your significant other that you’re worth it for another round of alcohol, shits and giggles.
The Morning After Pill and Date
Unprotected sex may cause a rat race of sorts to the nearest pharmacy to purchase a Plan B pill. While the potential for a child is lost, the potential for a post-panic breakfast date increases. Just because you have sex doesn’t mean that you’re compatible with that person, but why not explore that option over scrambled eggs and scrambled ovaries? Breakfast presents the opportunity to launch an investigation concerning last night’s shenanigans together. You may also get to learn each other’s names. Nothing screams romance like solving a mystery over breakfast the morning after you make a stupid mistake.
My Seven Devils 