4 Things I Observed While Stopping for Gas

Road trips bring numerous opportunities to learn about yourself and the world. I tend to prefer interesting things to happen rather than good things, and at one cold gas station in Wilkesboro, North Carolina, I got my fill of interesting to last the entire winter.

1. Dodge, Duck, Dick, Dive, and Dodge

Besides gas, I imagine the main purpose for a gas station to exist in the middle of nowhere is to release your bowels. Unfortunately, I have not kept a log or signed my name at each bathroom where my bodily functions interrupted the building’s plumbing. Where as a cat always knows where he marked his territory, my attempts are carried to the ocean most times.

My new method for remembering where I’ve erupted is if another guy decides to tuck his greasy weapon in long after he finishes his business. I don’t know why, but there’s an epidemic of man-children who wait until they reach the sink to tame their beast. Perhaps it’s to warn new bathroom patrons that no penis bigger than theirs is capable of sprinkling the toilet seat like they did. More likely than not, they forgot that their anatomy does not work like a retractable dog leash by pressing a button. Thanks to the gentleman at the Wilkesboro gas station for scaring a new method for remembering where I pissed last deep into my psyche.

“Good luck to you, veiny fella.”

2. People don’t understand how to people-watch in gas stations.

It’s as simple as parking it in front of your bedroom window, but people-watchers of the gas station-variety find this concept foreign. We’re in an enclosed space surrounded by snacks and tobacco products, yet they treat it like we’re at a funeral.

If I’m trying to decide which two Pepsi products to purchase in order to get them for $2.50, it shouldn’t feel like a PhD is examining my behavior through a one way mirror. I apologize for tattling on scientists who conduct their research at urine-stained gas stations in the middle of nowhere, but I am not dedicating my body to science just because it takes 10 minutes to decide how I’ll take a dose of diabetes.

No Baja Blast? Amateur.

3. The cashier no longer cares about the customer.

Gas station attendants have a straight-forward job description that fails to mention the number of deadbeats they have to put up with to earn a paycheck. It’s no wonder they keep their shelves stocked with junk food and cigarettes: to kill the customer for a paycheck.

There were 4 people in front of me at the counter; each and every one of them bought cigarettes, chips or candy, and a soda. After ringing up the first customer, the cashier’s face was painted with concern as if she was responsible for their ailments. By the third and fourth rude customer, that look dissipated. She was relieved to know that their poor diet choices would render them rude customers who couldn’t leave their hospital beds. I think she hated me, too.

Will it be unleaded, cancer or diabetes today, sonny?

4. I am just as unobservant as I was when I graduated college.

My teenage years taught me to zero in on the development of a juicy pimple, but I have yet to learn which gas station has cheaper gas in my adult years. The gas station directly across from the one I stop at will always have lower gas prices, even if they only differ by a few pennies. If I had known any better, 50+ more stops at random gas stations would have saved me enough pennies to buy a goldfish – a goldfish that will probably die in three days anyway. I’m not good at being an adult.

Forgive me, Bubbles.

 

 

 

Christmas Shopping for the Clueless

Is there a special someone in your life that you’ve been dating, stalking, or salivating over for a better part of the year? Are you also struggling with the task of finding them the perfect Christmas present? Christmas is the time of year to fill hearts with joy like children fill Santa’s pants with urine at the mall. While a challenging endeavor, you can be triumphant in your quest by following the guide I have provided below. If Nicolas Cage can steal the Declaration of Independence, you can steal your lover’s heart with the spirit of Christmas.

Step 1: Research

Independent research is crucial to finding the perfect gift for that special someone. It shows that you put some extra thought rather than buying something spur of the moment like condoms from a bathroom dispenser at the gas station. A popular scheme to execute is slyly inquiring about some random fact or opinion held by your partner. This is usually done if the buyer is dead set on buying an article of clothing. However, I’ve learned that asking for someone’s measurements is generally a bad idea in self-conscious America. The numbers provided are not their physical measurements, rather they are coordinates to where they’ll hide your dead body. Consult the Internet, your lover’s friends, your dying ferret, or the shoe guy at the bowling alley before you ever ask your lover what they want for Christmas.

Step 2: Acquire the necessary funds.

You may be slithering in mountains of coin like Smaug, or you’re a non-reptilian deadbeat scavenging for change in a Cheetoh-stained couch. Whatever the case, it’s good to gut your wallet for someone during the holiday season. Rummaging through your sister’s tip money is a good place to start. You could also hawk over the self-scan section at your local supermarket and collect leftover coins in need of adoption. These are beginner-level thievery courses that Helen Keller could pass without her sense of touch, and so could you. Eventually, to have enough for more expensive gifts, you’ll need to assume the role of the prophet Moses and part the sea of people in the Salvation Army and loot their cash registers.

Step 3: Battle Royale – Parking Lot Edition

The parking lot at the mall is filled with rabid Christmas enthusiasts with the same goal in mind: buy their lover(s) the greatest gift their money can buy. However, for some reason, this requires parking in the closest spot possible. The handicapped parking permit industry has recently skyrocketed due to reported symptoms of laziness, so you can probably stub your toe on your cat’s jungle gym and get a permit. If you can’t fake a handicap, go NYC taxicab-crazy on the oily hides of moronic strangers who want an Xbox for little Billy. If it comes down to the last spot, you can either rock-paper-scissors for rights to the spot, or hire the Westboro Baptist Church to protest Christmas in the parking lot. This will anger the competition, and they will be too busy to steal your spot.

Step 4: Shopping

Part I: People at shopping malls during the holidays are like squirrels with Parkinson’s disease: they fidget uncontrollably and dart into traffic at the most inopportune times. When we were sperm, we mastered the concept of moving together as one to penetrate the almighty egg. However, birth introduced society to a world of stupidity and left what was learned inside their mother’s fallopian tube. With this in mind, you’ll discover a rude species of human elbowing and crossing in front of you throughout the mall. To have a leg up on your competition, test the patellar reflexes of any unsuspecting individual crossing your path with a hammer. If you couple this with China Max employees waving samples of sesame chicken at the food court as a distraction, you’ll be at the shops before anyone else.

Part II: Don’t be afraid to venture into stores you wouldn’t normally shop in. The giggling, prepubescent boys frolicking outside of Victoria’s Secret shouldn’t intimidate you; it’s the employees that are gazing your direction after they caught you smelling half of the store’s merchandise that you should fear. Whatever store you may end up in, employ the wizards of customer service to educate you on what to buy your lover. They can be your best friend or your worst enemy, but either way they’ll understand that you’re borderline clueless. They also won’t let you accidentally purchase an acne solution kit as a Christmas gift.

Step 5: Hide your gift until Christmas

The worst part about Christmas gifts, besides trying to find the perfect gift for someone, is hiding it. Your lover will infiltrate the hiding location of your gift like the Navy SEALS did Osama bin Laden, and you don’t have the resources to fend off the Navy SEALS, so you’ll have to get crafty in the comfort of your own home. John Wayne Gacy hid his victims in the crawlspace under his house, so there’s that. You could also give your present a mustache and a monocle. Just don’t let any children in your house because they’re bound to find it and spoil the surprise. Children at Christmas time are the equivalent of the bomb squad trying to find explosives to diffuse. Protect your house from snooping children with various pyrotechnics, then leave milk and cookies laced with anthrax by the Christmas tree for any survivors.

Step 6: Give your gift to your lover

They may love it, they may loathe it, but it’s the thought that counts and you gave it your best shot. Just pray that they still consider you a blessing, because if your gift sucks then they can go do something else like celebrate the birth of Christ.