The 5 Worst Types of Boyfriends

Since I did a post called “The 6 Worst Types of Girlfriends,” it is only fair that I do one about annoying boyfriends as well so I’m not just making fun of you ladies.

1. The Pick-Up Artist

Distinguishing Characteristics: constantly talking, grins stupidly

The Pick-Up Artist has no shame in the art of using snazzy one-liners which may or may not be panty-droppers. He has brushed up on his game and won’t leave the house until he has an arsenal of pick-up lines to use on any girl he deems attractive. He is the kind of a doucher that will approach a girl in the library, grinning stupidly, and say, “I wrote the dictionary on my cock last night, if you come to my house I’ll put some words in your mouth!” He is the master of not taking no for answer, because after that brilliant line he will drop a couple more with the assumption that he is sealing the deal. He’ll drop many more as long as he remains hard, but he is baffled to observe that her panties haven’t fallen to the floor collecting dust just yet. He has much work to do, but may need some time off after she uppercuts his jaw.

Advantages: smooth

Disadvantages: thinks pick-up lines actually work

2. The Bad Kisser

Distinguishing Characteristics: drooling, awkward body position

When we begin dating somebody else, we constantly think about how good the other person will be at kissing. The first kiss is hyped up within the first couple of dates. He invites her upstairs for ‘coffee’ and discretely pops in some breath mints while doing a couple of tongue exercises to prepare for the big moment. He moves in quite slowly, both eyes shut and lips puckered as she awaits for the prolonged session of tonsil hockey to commence. She opens her left eye to observe how close he is and notices that his sloppy tongue hangs out like he’s about to lick some ice cream. BAM! Contact is made and saliva is exchanged at her displeasure. A string of onion dangles from his canines and stinks up his breath, which soon makes way into her own mouth. He tongues everything in her mouth and slobbers all over her face looking like she got attacked by a gang of banana slugs. This is the guy you’d recommend to that one girl you’re friends with but absolutely loathe.

Advantages: everything you’d hope he’d be Disadvantages: until he starts smooching

3. The Narcissistic Dude

Distinguishing Characteristics: greasy, tan, inherently stupid, kissing his biceps

She has abstained from moving in on those spindly geeks and their pizza-face personas, so she wants a man strong enough to protect her from other candidates who also have a hard-on for her. Meet the Narcissistic Dude, an orange, beefy-looking character who is confident in his tanned muscles to help fend off other attention, but is incapable of pretty much anything else that doesn’t involve taking steroids or lazily wasting his day in a tanning bed. His image is his top priority, so his attention deviates constantly from his girlfriend.  He’s so into himself that if his schlong was long enough, he’d stretch it underneath his legs and plunge it into his own anus.

Advantages: intimidating look to fend off others Disadvantages: wrinkly tanned skin, wishes his muscles had genitals

4. The Sweetheart

Distinguishing Characteristics: helps whenever you need it, likes to cuddle, constantly anxious

He cracks his voice incessantly and has a disturbingly effeminate need to cuddle. He has devoted his life to serving you and is irritatingly around at all times, sweet-talking and boring you to tears with details from their uninteresting day.  This skinny twig is always worried that he has done something wrong, so he uses his pubescent voice frequently to squeak a slew of soliloquies about how sorry he is on a daily basis. He dreams of having kids with you, but things aren’t looking too good after you’ve repeatedly kicked him in the nuts as a way to tell him to man up.

Advantages: is a damn sweetheart Disadvantages: man-child with the nuts of a 12 year-old

5. The Frat Boy

Distinguishing Characteristics: sunglasses, bow-tie, sandals, drunk

Low and behold The Frat Boy, a needledick douchebag sporting a bow-tie who is king of shitty beers and slipping drugs into the drinks of unsuspecting females. He’ll come off as a suave gentlemen in the beginning, yet his only goal is to get more brain than the bullet that claimed Kennedy’s life. He’ll proceed to escort you to a room in the fraternity house, cutting the lights, then attempting to calm you with sounds of the ocean that he recreates with his mouth.  Trousers down, revealing yet another polka dotted bow-tie on his junk, he ensures his hardened barb will secrete the spirit of brotherhood into your reproductive organs, tattooing your uterus with the Greek alphabet.  Everything has gone swimmingly in his opinion, so he’ll brag to his fraternity brothers in an exaggerated manner about the sexual encounter.  The Frat Boy knows as much about love as date rape.

Advantages: none Disadvantages: you aren’t Greek, asshole.

 

The Reason Why I Started Blogging

This seems more like a post you’d see at the beginning of one’s blogging career, but here I go being a rascal and not following logic.  I started thinking about this blog today not only because I feel like I’ve been slackin’ on it, but also because I really wanted to discover the real reason why I started blogging in the first place.  Hopefully, at some point, you’ll think about the reasons why you started blogging and make connections with other bloggers/writers.

I always had a passion for writing ever since a group of neighborhood kids from my teen years and I started making our own home movies.  Film was my first passion, but then I was acquainted with writing when my friends and I were stumped on ideas for our next film project.  I told them I would handle it and they wouldn’t have to worry about it.  I then told them I would come back the next day with a full story idea written out.  When I sat at home alone for hours on end into the night, I, too, was just as stumped as the collective.  It wasn’t until I read numerous gruesome news articles on Yahoo! that ideas began to brew in my head.  I penned some simplistic story about a serial killer that filmed each kill of his.  The group liked the idea, but I felt the story itself was underwhelming and the movie we filmed based on this idea was complete crap.  But hey, you can’t expect 15 year-olds to make Oscar material.

It was senior year of high school and I needed one more class to fill out my schedule.  Every cool class was taken up and a class called ‘Mass Media’, a class where you got to make movies basically, was removed from the list of available classes.  Creative Writing I was the only other option I had.  I absolutely dreaded this because, but when I got to the class it quickly became one of my favorites in the history of my education.  It was the first and only class where I had creative freedom to do whatever I wanted, even if the subject material of my writing was inappropriate at times for high-schoolers to read.  There was one assignment where we had to start a blog and post once a day on anything we wanted for one week.  We also had to read and comment on other classmates’ posts.  The first post I had written was “The 7 Worst Types of Girlfriends.”  The post was a huge success, and I could tell because like our own WordPress blogs you could see how many times the post was viewed and how many comments there were.  I remember vividly that this first post garnered 142 views and generated 32 comments.  Every other post had on average 20 some views and relatively few comments.  Each post I had written afterwards for that week I received the same praise for my written work, even from this one girl in class who I thought was drop dead gorgeous and never noticed me in class until this week.  I told everyone I was going to start a blog if I was going to receive such positive reviews, but the project never came to fruition.

It wasn’t until my freshman year of college where I got dead serious about starting a blog.  The girlfriend I had my freshman year had an active blog on Blogger.  I told her that I was a writer myself, but I literally had nothing to give her, so it basically came off as bullshit and I couldn’t show her my talent.  Still, even with motivation to show my then girlfriend that I was a good writer, I didn’t take advantage.

As I’ve said before, I had a blog before “My Seven Devils” on WordPress called “A Living Oddity.”  The latter of the two was my first real commitment to writing during my sophomore year of college after I had transferred universities.  I realized after the first semester at my new school that I made the biggest mistake of my life and I wanted to go back to my old university.  I had no friends besides my two roommates at the time.  I relied on them to get me through the repetitive, everyday routine that is established during your school years.  When they weren’t around because they were attending classes or other matters, I was left to myself on a frequent basis.  The old idea of creating a blog then came to mind.  I wanted to write because I pretty much had no one else to share my writing with.  I thought it was interesting how I didn’t start a blog despite the positive reception I had in the past with my writing, only to start one when I literally felt like I had nobody.  It was through blogging, first on “A Living Oddity” that I felt I had a connection with others, even if it was only through the Internet to read and comment on other blogs.

Writing on a blog at first was a big risk to me because I thought people would be offended by the subject material, or they would just straight up dislike it and think I was a terrible writer.  I’m still not entirely sure how people feel about my writing, but I’m just happy that I started a blog anyway.  It’s a great feeling to have even if one person likes or comments on your post.  It shows that you’ve engaged them through your own words, and it’s quite rewarding.

Forgive Me…

Forgive me, followers and others who have been yearning for new reading material to engage with on the toilet (or elsewhere).  I haven’t written any new material in months, but I’d like to announce my return as I’ve discovered a sudden surge in motivation and creativity.  Writing is something that I love to do and yet I’ve been selfish to not share it with any of you.

As much as I love life in itself, life sure does get in the way of the things I love.  I’m sure many of you can agree with me on that notion.  College certainly gets in the way as my tuition money and brain dead professors have the audacity and authority to shape how I spend my time.  Now that it’s summer time, writing is going to be one of my major focuses.  I’ve been wanting to write all kinds of things lately such as poetry, short stories, humorous pieces (I’m assuming I have a sense of humor that rips a chuckle or two out of my audience), simple observations and complaints, etc.  I now have the time to do all of these, so I’m definitely looking forward to sharing my writing with all of you and, of course, reading your material.

I really hope people have figured out by now that you can’t just put material on this site and expect to have legions of people following them.  If you don’t have the time or patience to read other peoples’ work, then you might as well drop the idea of writing your own material altogether.  But anyway, I hope you all enjoy my new material and I look forward to being further engaged with the followers I do have and the ones that I don’t have.

Keep writing, my friends.

– Evan

New Year, Same Me

New Years Resolutions: A declaration of change for the new year that ultimately is not followed by anyone after a few weeks.

Change is welcome, albeit many people only seek it when a new year is approaching.  After claiming the previous year that they were going to lose a bunch of weight, they gave up two weeks in and decided, “Awh, screw it.  I’ll start again next year.”  Generally, I applaud people who are willing to change something about themselves or how they go about life, yet over the years I’ve grown skeptical of the whole New Years tradition.

Why is it that people are only electing to bring change into their lives around New Years?  The comparison I’m about to make may seem a little out of line, however I feel it matches best to what I’m trying to convey.  After the despicable shooting in Newtown, Connecticut where nearly 30 people lost their lives and many others injured,  a lovely woman named Ann Curry inspired a mass movement called 26 Acts of Kindness, which asks everybody to do one act of kindness in memory of each victim who lost their lives at the hands of Adam Lanza.  On human nature’s part, this is excellent and incredibly unselfish.  My issue lies with the fact that many people seem to only be inspired by tragedies and upcoming holidays to do good for others.  People have effortlessly applied this concept into those dreaded New Years resolutions.  I think it’s fair to argue that if our calendar didn’t start anew every January, a lot of people wouldn’t be electing to change whatsoever.  Would there be an Acts of Kindness movement if there weren’t any tragedies or holidays to consider?  Maybe so, but only very few people would be inspired as many are infatuated with their own well-being.

I have decided that I have no true New Years resolution.  I have come to the conclusion that I need to be myself and do good for others at any opportunity I get.  Change is welcome, but I don’t feel the need to change because then I just wouldn’t be myself, I’d be just as guilty as those who are only inspired by outright disaster to not only think about themselves.

While I would love for all of you to achieve your goals, I implore everyone to not reserve your weight loss goals, personality changes, and what not for New Years resolutions.  Instead, make these your daily goals because New Years resolutions are bound to be broken.  There’s no motivation whatsoever to reach your New Years’ goals because you can always “start again next year.”  Having daily goals will give you the proper motivation you need to succeed.

Happy New Year, everybody!