Every argument I’ve gotten into with a girlfriend was like storming Ohama beach during the Normandy invasion. Devil horns protruding from her nipples, her mouth constantly fired .50 caliber nonsense for minutes on end until her C-cups deflated and shreds of manhood peppered the ground like a torn piece of paper. What the hell have you done this time, men? Is she justified in sounding off her displeasure, detonating all of her eggs purposely so your inferior sperm cannot infiltrate the enemy camp that is her reproductive organs? Or is she just causing a ruckus because Cosmopolitan told her that it was healthy for the relationship? Whatever the case, my 0-47 personal record will serve in helping you conquer these battles without her claiming assault to a 911 operator. Below are a few common scenarios featuring arguments between couples and how you can come out on top.
Scenario #1: The “Nope, I’m Fine” Situation
You: “Is something wrong, babe?”
Your Girlfriend: “Nope, I’m fine.”
(Repeat exchange six or seven times)
The Argument: Not even an argument but toxic nonetheless, this is the most aggravating form of “actions speak louder than words.” Her job is to keep her lips sealed about the issue at hand and employ the man to figure out what’s bothering her. Most men would rather pull splinters from their urethra than hidden information from a woman’s skull.
How You Should Respond: “I’m sorry, hun, but the Women’s Rights movement didn’t succeed by angry women being silent. I’d rather you be a nagging cow than pretend Mary Shaw ripped your tongue out. I firmly believe that communication is key to a successful relationship, and if you can’t do that then Helen Keller has got the upper hand, I’m afraid.”
Scenario #2: The “Wearing the Pants” Situation
Your Girlfriend: “I feel like I’m the one wearing the pants in this relationship!”
The Argument: Is she right? Does she have a metaphorical scrotum bulging out of the slacks that dictate a relationship? The point of this argument is for her to claim power over her boyfriend, although her exclamation states that she desires the converse. This is supposed to rile you up and make you reclaim the pants that once gave you unimaginable power.
How You Should Respond: “So you want me to be in control and not let you have a say in anything? That kind of contradicts the whole equality thing you’ve been striving for. In that case, go upstairs and you’ll find luggage that I have prepared especially for you. You’ve just won yourself an all-expenses paid trip to Saudi Arabia: a magical land where men who wear the pants roam.”
Scenario #3: The “Jealousy” Situation
Your Girlfriend: “Stop looking at her! You’re always looking at other women that aren’t me. No, you can’t get lunch with her.”
The Argument: You should not be ogling at other women. Obviously this is a legitimate argument, however she can get a wee bit extreme with it. This argument is employed more as an attempt for your girlfriend to glue your corneas to her figure so you don’t accidentally pop an erection with another girl’s name on it.
How You Should Respond: “I could argue that your eyes wander like Paris Hilton’s lazy eye on the Red Carpet. Why else would you be telling me that I should ‘dress more like him’ or ‘act more like him’? I’ve noticed how you dress and flirt with other guys when we go out somewhere. Excuse my retinas for registering the existence of other females that aren’t you. If your dog in this fight is a double standard then I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”
Scenario #4: The “What Movie to Watch/What to Watch on TV” Situation
Your Girlfriend: “We only watch whatever you want to watch. Why can’t we ever watch things that interests us as a couple?”
The Argument: Have you ever spent an hour on Netflix cycling through all of the movies and TV shows, yet you still can’t decide what you want to watch? Do you have any idea how difficult it is when you add an extra person into the mix?
How You Should Respond: “Don’t give me that. I let you pick movies, too, but I can only stand so much of Sarah Jessica Parker’s mouth. Also, I’m sorry that I couldn’t get into Duck Dynasty. I really am sorry, but it’ just not my cup of tea. By the way, are you ever going to shave? It looks like the cast of Duck Dynasty is filming an episode down there right now.”
My Seven Devils 