College classes are filled with the following infuriating cast of characters:
1. The Class Comedian
He’s equipped with an arsenal of one-liners and a shit-eating grin after spending an entire summer lying dormant. The first joke makes an appearance on the first day of class and will typically generate a sea of chuckles from his classmates. The positive response beams his self-esteem to an unspeakable level, which he views as an open invitation to release even more jokes. Eventually, the laughter dies down and the Class Comedian will have a cooling off period like a serial killer. However, like a bad case of genital warts, he rears his ugly head in for another maniacal laugh after staying silent for a few days.
2. The A-Grade Slacker
While showing an obvious disinterest in class, the Slacker still manages one of the better grades on the exam. He doesn’t study and is more interested in how to assassinate the person sitting next to the most beautiful girl in class so he can make advances. All the while of accomplishing these unimportant, irrelevant tasks, he still does better than you in each aspect of the class worth a grade that you work hard for to achieve. He is further proof that test scores and overall grades don’t accurately measure the character of a person and their chances for a successful future.
3. The Pig
Not referring to their physical size; I’m talking about the one who literally has something to eat in every class. She’ll test the waters with a candy bar or anything that doesn’t require the constant molestation of a wrapper/bag. After surviving a class without any punishment for indulging while everyone else starves, she makes it a habit to bring a snack to every class thereafter. The very next class she has an apple that demands her vampiric fangs to sink into the skin of the apple, then penetrate further to the core, and then let her chompers meet to complete the bite. A massive chunk of apple has been ripped from the body and it must be chewed so obnoxiously loud that it could wake the dead. Repeat process until all food has been consumed. Do it again next class and every class after that.
4. The Honors Student/Overachiever
Bask in her glorious, holy presence, for she is there for a real education so she can rack in millions throughout her theoretically illustrious career. While this is admirable for any student to do, she makes it known to the entire class that she is destined for greatness and she must not be disturbed. She has no time to speak to classmates or anyone else that she perceives as unintelligent. Instead, she must flourish with the academics and the individuals who tack on a PhD at the end of their birth name. She is likely to flaunt her exams to students who proudly sport lower IQ’s scores than her test scores.
5. The Fraternity/Sorority/Extracurricular Activities Nut
Some are cool, interesting, and kind. Others are obsessed with their involvement in their fraternity, sorority, and/or extracurricular activities. They are quick to inform others that they belong to a “service” Greek organization as an attempt to minimize the perception of how much they drink. Topics of discussion range from pregnancy scares to Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance to how much alcohol was consumed over the weekend. However, their brave commitment to sacrificing their precious time to raise money for the autistic is peppered throughout the conversation just so we can pinch their puffy, bloaty, alcoholic cheeks out of gratitude. They frequently seek for attention and approval, but it could be a scam to sucker you in so that you’ll go to their party this Friday.
6. The Great Political Debater
Since he has an opinion, he feels that he will one day be the Great Leader of this country. Usually sitting front and center, he must inject every ounce of opinion he possesses into friendly conversation with a classmate or an argument with the professor. No matter how radical his views are, he expects that his fellow classmates will rise and rally behind him to assist in his dreams of undertaking the corruptness of everything. No one dares share their viewpoints during class discussion because this guy will sound off every square inch of his testicles to denounce your opinion, once again claiming his title of the great and powerful. The female version of this guy is generally equal to his degree of armchair politics, but she is much more likely to ignite a revolution towards the torture and execution of men. She also tends to not shower or shave her armpits.
7. The Know-It-All
A classroom classic, this guy is the only one who does not ask questions because he already knows everything. He knows more than the professor who has been working and studying in their particular field for more than 30 years. Going back to never asking questions, he instead frequently raises his hand to present random research findings that he Googled one lonely afternoon. His days consist of Googling random, pointless information with the hopes of it being handy. When he finally gets the chance to blow peoples’ minds, the professor stumps him with the requirement of elaborating on the research he is reporting on, and he most likely can’t. Take that, you fake, scholarly shit-head.
8. The Academic Ninja
A word almost never leaves the comfort of her own body, instead favoring the modest approach of attending each class and just sitting there. She doesn’t contribute anything to the class besides silence and the twitch of an eye if you ever make eye contact with her. Sitting in the back row and most likely paying attention, she still possesses an unpredictable, reptilian nature, leaving the rest of the class damned to look over their shoulders for the remainder of the semester in fear of her going berzerk.
9. The Student Who’s Older Than the Professor
Either never went to college as a young buck or just taking a class to escape from his wife during retirement, this person stands out as the only old person in class besides the professor, sometimes even older. Although generally friendly, he is bound to unleash story after story about his long life no matter how irrelevant it is to the topic of discussion. His whole purpose of being there is to serve as some sort of metaphor for “Stay in school, or this could be you.” His hand is raised just as much as The Know-It-All, although I think we’d all rather hear it from this guy than the former.
My Seven Devils 