Since I did a post called “The 6 Worst Types of Girlfriends,” it is only fair that I do one about annoying boyfriends as well so I’m not just making fun of you ladies.
1. The Pick-Up Artist
Distinguishing Characteristics: constantly talking, grins stupidly
The Pick-Up Artist has no shame in the art of using snazzy one-liners which may or may not be panty-droppers. He has brushed up on his game and won’t leave the house until he has an arsenal of pick-up lines to use on any girl he deems attractive. He is the kind of a doucher that will approach a girl in the library, grinning stupidly, and say, “I wrote the dictionary on my cock last night, if you come to my house I’ll put some words in your mouth!” He is the master of not taking no for answer, because after that brilliant line he will drop a couple more with the assumption that he is sealing the deal. He’ll drop many more as long as he remains hard, but he is baffled to observe that her panties haven’t fallen to the floor collecting dust just yet. He has much work to do, but may need some time off after she uppercuts his jaw.
Advantages: smooth
Disadvantages: thinks pick-up lines actually work
2. The Bad Kisser
Distinguishing Characteristics: drooling, awkward body position
When we begin dating somebody else, we constantly think about how good the other person will be at kissing. The first kiss is hyped up within the first couple of dates. He invites her upstairs for ‘coffee’ and discretely pops in some breath mints while doing a couple of tongue exercises to prepare for the big moment. He moves in quite slowly, both eyes shut and lips puckered as she awaits for the prolonged session of tonsil hockey to commence. She opens her left eye to observe how close he is and notices that his sloppy tongue hangs out like he’s about to lick some ice cream. BAM! Contact is made and saliva is exchanged at her displeasure. A string of onion dangles from his canines and stinks up his breath, which soon makes way into her own mouth. He tongues everything in her mouth and slobbers all over her face looking like she got attacked by a gang of banana slugs. This is the guy you’d recommend to that one girl you’re friends with but absolutely loathe.
Advantages: everything you’d hope he’d be Disadvantages: until he starts smooching
3. The Narcissistic Dude
Distinguishing Characteristics: greasy, tan, inherently stupid, kissing his biceps
She has abstained from moving in on those spindly geeks and their pizza-face personas, so she wants a man strong enough to protect her from other candidates who also have a hard-on for her. Meet the Narcissistic Dude, an orange, beefy-looking character who is confident in his tanned muscles to help fend off other attention, but is incapable of pretty much anything else that doesn’t involve taking steroids or lazily wasting his day in a tanning bed. His image is his top priority, so his attention deviates constantly from his girlfriend. He’s so into himself that if his schlong was long enough, he’d stretch it underneath his legs and plunge it into his own anus.
Advantages: intimidating look to fend off others Disadvantages: wrinkly tanned skin, wishes his muscles had genitals
4. The Sweetheart
Distinguishing Characteristics: helps whenever you need it, likes to cuddle, constantly anxious
He cracks his voice incessantly and has a disturbingly effeminate need to cuddle. He has devoted his life to serving you and is irritatingly around at all times, sweet-talking and boring you to tears with details from their uninteresting day. This skinny twig is always worried that he has done something wrong, so he uses his pubescent voice frequently to squeak a slew of soliloquies about how sorry he is on a daily basis. He dreams of having kids with you, but things aren’t looking too good after you’ve repeatedly kicked him in the nuts as a way to tell him to man up.
Advantages: is a damn sweetheart Disadvantages: man-child with the nuts of a 12 year-old
5. The Frat Boy
Distinguishing Characteristics: sunglasses, bow-tie, sandals, drunk
Low and behold The Frat Boy, a needledick douchebag sporting a bow-tie who is king of shitty beers and slipping drugs into the drinks of unsuspecting females. He’ll come off as a suave gentlemen in the beginning, yet his only goal is to get more brain than the bullet that claimed Kennedy’s life. He’ll proceed to escort you to a room in the fraternity house, cutting the lights, then attempting to calm you with sounds of the ocean that he recreates with his mouth. Trousers down, revealing yet another polka dotted bow-tie on his junk, he ensures his hardened barb will secrete the spirit of brotherhood into your reproductive organs, tattooing your uterus with the Greek alphabet. Everything has gone swimmingly in his opinion, so he’ll brag to his fraternity brothers in an exaggerated manner about the sexual encounter. The Frat Boy knows as much about love as date rape.
Advantages: none Disadvantages: you aren’t Greek, asshole.
My Seven Devils 