1. That one chicken at the fair back home in Indianapolis who, in villainous fashion, bit my index finger when all I was trying to do was pet it.
2. That one child at the airport who was sporting a Darth Vader mask, forever concealing his real identity. He lifted his hand and slightly clenched his fingers, attempting to wring my neck with the force.
3. All six professors during the week before Spring break freshman year, scheduling their exams at the same time (a common occurrence in college). Seriously, do all professors have some secret cult meeting and strategically schedule all exams, quizzes, projects, and papers to be due within the same short frame of time? I suffered more brain damage than JFK that week.
4. Every time Eminem, Tool, Wu-Tang Clan, or Marilyn Manson announces a new album, I have a brain aneurysm and my heart gets ready to fail out of excitement.
5. That episode of Breaking Bad last week.
6. That one time my childhood friend and I were playing street hockey. I was the goalie, suited up in thick pads and a helmet to ensure that I wouldn’t die in some freak street hockey accident. My friend, 5 feet away, wound up to take a slap shot. I fell to the ground in an attempt to save the shot and assumed the ball would hit the pads, but the hockey ball instead caused an earthquake in my scrotum. The pain was so harsh that my face was permanently distorted because I scrunched it so much in a plead for my life. I finally got to sit in a chair, but the pain was still so bad that I looked like Stephen Hawking in his wheelchair.
7. That one time I swore I saw Kate Beckinsale until I realized it was a southern woman with a bratty child and a missing tooth.
8. The various metals peppered throughout the world who love to treat me to static electricity. Never has anything been more excited to see me than metal.
9. That one time I went to the beach and tried feeding a seagull some bread. It was a trap: the seagull’s fellow gang members surrounded me and tried to steal my dough. They ran my pale ass a mile down the beach, also picking up some ladies along the way. Many bikini beauties had the greatest laugh of their lives as the 16 year-old sexual disaster got chased by a gang of evil seagulls.
10. That one time in gym class playing basketball, I shot a three-pointer that bricked off the rim. The ball bounced towards two unsuspecting African-American girls and nailed one of them in the face. “Oh, hell naw,” said one of them. She’s crying as her other friends surrounded me thinking that I purposely threw the ball at her. This was the only time a group of 6+ women surrounded me besides the time I took a picture for a group of drunk sorority girls.
My Seven Devils 