So I Went On This Date (Date #2)

Ah, American cinema. It’s ideal for a second date with Regina. Our chatterboxes have been worn thin over conversation at the Red Lobster last week, so it’s time to give it a rest and enjoy a feature film together in peaceful silence. I’m inclined to believe that she’s going to enjoy this film, the overpriced snack bar goodies, and my in-depth critical analysis of the film once it concludes. Roger Ebert has passed and I’ve elected myself to carry on his legacy of educating the masses on film expertise. Sex ahoy!

Regina: I honestly have no idea how you managed to convince me to go out with you again.

Me: I too like to live dangerously.

Regina: Let’s just get this over with.

Me: You look lovely, my dear. Did you just get out of an oven though? Your face looks burnt.

Regina: You know I’m Jewish, right?

Me: Nein.

Regina: Well, I am!

Me: Looks like I’ll be eating Kosher tonight. I hope you bathe.

Regina: For God’s sakes; where are you taking me?

Me: I’m glad you asked, Basterd!

Regina: What did you just say to me!?

Me: Basterd! They’re re-releasing Quentin Tarantino’s film Inglourious Basterds this weekend. It tells the tale of Brad Pitt, the guy who directed Hostel, and Ryan from The Office who go an adventure to collect Nazi scalps. It’s quite poetic and will add IQ points to your score as if you were bumping Mozart.

Regina: What makes you think that I want to go see that?

Me:  1. Tarantino is a master of his craft and 2. It’ll get you in the right mood to scalp one of my heads. I’ll let you decide which head I’m referring to when we get back to my place! Sex ahoy!

Regina: I’m so confused. Are we going to see Teeth or something? That movie’s terrible.

Me: Sex ahoy!

We arrived at the theater about half an hour before the film’s previews were supposed to begin. If I so much as miss a second of any preview, I cannot sit in the movie out of fear that I’m missing out on the premiere of a masterclass film. I explained this to Regina, however she seemed upset that we were there so early. I think she was just eager to go back to my place. I don’t blame her, but we can’t miss out on 20+ minutes of previews and a nearly 3 hour film! Silly Regina.

We approached the box office to purchase our tickets. An employee, named Richie according to his nametag, manned the register we were lined up behind. It was quite busy, so he was pitching in to ensure we didn’t miss the previews. What a good man!

Richie: Welcome to South Park theaters, folks! How can I help you today?

Me: Good evening, Richie Rich. The lady and I would like tickets to Inglourious Basterds, please.

Richie: Ah, an excellent choice. That’ll be $20.

Me: No problemo! Here you go!

Richie: Um, sir, this is Monopoly money.

Me: That’s not just Monopoly money, Macaulay, that’s Monopoly Jr. Dig ‘n Dinos money!

Richie: It’s Richie, and I can’t accept this, sir. Only real American currency or a credit card can be accepted.

Me: Macaulay, you’ve got it all wrong. This is prehistoric dinosaur money right here! Did I mention this is the Dig n’ Dinos edition? Dinosaurs saw the very bills that I’m bestowing upon you when they roamed this Earth yesterday.

Richie: Dinosaurs lived millions of years ago.

Me: Well I bought this game yesterday, so I’d have to disagree. Dr. Grant stored those fossilized mosquitoes that were trapped in amber into the box, and the dino DNA they withheld were given to the consumer, which would be me because I’m a loyal customer at Toys “R” Us. As a gift, they gave me the currency that dinosaurs used way back in the day! This is worth more than your entire life!

Richie: Ugh. You know what, just so go inside. It’s free, just get out of here. Take your stupid dino money, too.

Me: I’m glad you see it my way, Macaulay. Please tell Michael Jackson I said hello.

After the misunderstanding at the box office, Regina and I made our way to the snack bar. I had a hankering for a bucket of popcorn and an Icee because I always wanted to be a polar bear when I was younger.

Me: Hello, my man. A large bucket of popcorn and a mixed Icee for me. I know my date here wants something, but I have to ensure that you mix my Icee perfectly. I want cherry mixed with the blue raspberry. It’s one of God’s greatest gifts to Man.

Employee: I understand, sir. How about for you, ma’am?

Regina: Is that entire bucket of popcorn for you?

Me: My doctor says I’m a big boy, so I need to eat like a big boy.

Regina: Why can’t we share!?

Me: You leave the eating to me, dearest. I need my stomach to inflate a little so you can bounce on it like a trampoline tonight.

Regina: I’m not having sex with y-

Me: I like my corn just like how I like my cherries: popped!

Regina: Oh, hell n-

Me: Sex ahoy!

We made way to the theater in order to watch our movie. Regina was all buckled in and ready to take in the glory that is the Inglourious Basterds. I should’ve asked ol’ Macaulay for a discount since Regina said she is Jewish. It would’ve made perfect economical sense. I’ll remember that the next time they play Schindler’s List.

Regina: This movie is horrible, can you please just take me home? This is way too violent.

Me: Are you crazy? I’ve had episodes in the bathroom that were more violent than this. You’re missing history here!

Regina: This isn’t history; this is Brad Pitt speaking in a terrible Italian accent. And who the hell is that?

Me: The African Jew wearing a hoodie?

Regina: Wrong movie, dumbass. Besides, he’s white and clearly wearing a Nazi uniform.

Me: Why, that is the infamous Jew Hunter aka who I’ll be role-playing tonight when we go to bed. If Christoph Waltz won an Academy Award for this role, just wait until I get busy with you tonight!

Regina: Nein nein nein nein nein nein nein!

Me: Oh yes yes yes yes yes!

 

So I Went On This Date (Date #1)

On a common fishing lure, I cast out my desperation into a sea of unsuspecting, hopefully single ladies eager to hook themselves and go out on a date with me. This turned out to be illegal as the hook punctured through a woman’s ear lobe and she threatened to press charges. I told her that the idea was for her to bite the hook so I can reel her in, not catch it with her ear lobe. She told me to not take dating metaphors such as “there’s plenty of fish in the sea” so seriously. Google had failed me and I was dateless for yet another Friday night.

I was devastated until my friend, Lalafonda, set me up on a blind date with a girl named Regina. I was told to pick her up at approximately 7:00 pm. I left my trusty fishing pole behind and manned my vehicle. I didn’t want to risk being late on the first date, so I pretended that a bomb was going to explode in Regina’s house if I wasn’t there by 7:00 pm. The Jeffrey Dahmer Dating Manual suggested that severed limbs were dateable, but darn-it I wanted the whole thing! It’s my first big date and I’d have half a mind if I let some bomb disfigure my date. Full speed ahead!

Pelvic-thrusting in excitement to her middle-class estate, I knocked on the door. A beautiful woman was revealed behind the wooden door.

Me: “You must be Regina. My, my, my, your wrinkles are as graceful as the waves of the Atlantic.”

Not Regina: “I’m her mother. How dare you comment on my aging! You’ll end up looking like this one day!”

Me: “My apologies, Mrs. Not Regina, but don’t be ashamed; I’d surf on your waves any day of the week.

Not Regina: “It’s Mrs. Davis, and are you calling me fat!?”

Me: “How insulting! Of course not! Now, can you please get Regina? I must save her before your house blows to smithereens!”

Not Regina: “What in the hell are you talking about? REGINA! HEY, REGINA! GET DOWN HERE AND GET THIS BOY THE HELL OFF OF MY PROPERTY!”

Regina: “Mother! Be nice! This is my date, Evan!”

In my eyes, I had slain the evil dragon that held poor Regina captive up in her tower. We got in my car and began our lovely evening out.

Me: “Sheesh. All I said is that I wanted to shred on her waves.”

Regina: “Huh…?”

Me: “Nothing, dearest. My name is Evan and I hope you’re ready for a great evening. We’re going to a restaurant where my likeness inspired the logo.”

Regina: “Really? Are you famous or something?”

Me: “I might as well be! Take note of my ginger hair and skin. I scored a sunburn out in Myrtle once, then the next thing I knew they opened up a chain of Red Lobsters. I tried suing them for using my likeness as a means of marketing, but the jury found no resemblance between me and the logo seen above the doors at the restaurant. Have no fear, dear, because I’ve hired Johnny Cochran to change their minds and win me the money I deserve!

Regina: “What? Johnny Cochran is dead. And besides, I don’t like seafood. Can we go somewhere else?”

Me: “I’m afraid not, Regina. It’s either the Red Lobster or cunnilingus. The latter is far too many calories; I’m on a strict pescatarian diet, so the Red Lobster it is! I’ll even ask the manager if we can get a discount since I inspired the lobster logo.”

Regina: “Oh god…”

We approached the Red Lobster excitedly. So excitedly, in fact, that I sang the Spongebob Squarepants theme song to her in the car before I allowed us to get out. I proposed that it should be a required ritual every time we go out for seafood. It was also employed to discretely ask if Mr. Krabs and his mother were lollygagging about in her knickers. No answer was given as she appeared confused, so I unlocked her door and we made way for the front door. The hostess was perched at her stand.

Me: “Evening, commissioner. How do you say, ‘I need a table for two, por favor’ in pirate?”

Hostess: “Excuse me, sir?”

Me: “Argh. I thought ye spoke pirate here. Where’s yer captain, matey?”

Hostess: “…We have a table for two open. Right this way…”

Land ho! We were seated at a table not far from the restrooms. I pulled the chair out for Regina, but her hindquarters missed the platform I so kindly presented to her.

Me: “Man overboard!”

Regina: “Will you please stop talking like a pirate and help me up??”

Me: “It’s not my fault that you haven’t developed your sea legs. Anyways, shall we?”

Regina: “Yes, please. You’re quite odd, if you don’t mind me saying.”

Me: “Stupid is as stupid does.”

Regina: “Sure, why not, Forrest Gump.”

Me: “Who?”

Regina: “Ugh.”

Me: “My momma always said life was like a box of chocolates.”

Regina: “Dear Lord, please get me out of here.”

Me: “Where is that blasted waiter? We don’t have all day! According to HowStuffWorks when out on a date, sexual intercourse is supposed to take place soon after the meal. If it gets to be too late, I won’t wake up in time for Saturday morning cartoons!

Regina: “We are NOT having s-”

Waiter: “Ahoy! My name is Patrick and I’ll be taking care of you all this evening.”

Regina: “Help me, please!”

Waiter: “Certainly, miss, I’ll be right out with a Shirley Temple!”

Regina: “This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening.”

Me: “Oh, Regina, I just couldn’t imagine this going any better! I really think we have a lot in common.”

Regina: “I highly disagree, matey.”

Me: “The name’s Captain Redbeard, the Soulless. Anyway, don’t worry about ordering; I slipped good ol’ Patrick our orders on a piece of paper. I requested the crab legs especially for you!”

Regina: “I told you that I don’t like seaf-”

Me: “So let me tell you all about myself, my lady. I emerged from the mighty uterus in August of 1991. It was by far the goriest water-slide that I have rode to date, but hey, YOLO? Anyway, my hobbies include taking online personality quizzes and binge-watching Animal Planet while guzzling Nutella by the jar. Tell me about yourself.”

Regina: “Well I-”

Me: “No time! Ahoy, Patrick! He has brought us our food! I tell ya, if your legs smell like that little crab’s legs tonight when we go back to my place, I’m gonna need some garlic butter sauce to combat the smell. I hate seafood.”

Regina: “WHAT!? You said you were a pescatarian! Why the hell are we at the Red Lobster if neither of us like seafood?”

Me: “I told you! They owe me royalties for using my image as the logo of this restaurant. I’ll be right back, I’m going to cause a ruckus in the manager’s office.”

Regina: “This is ridiculous!”

Me: “I agree! Hopefully we won’t be inconvenienced on our next date at the movies.”

Regina: “No! Oh God, no…”