Ah, American cinema. It’s ideal for a second date with Regina. Our chatterboxes have been worn thin over conversation at the Red Lobster last week, so it’s time to give it a rest and enjoy a feature film together in peaceful silence. I’m inclined to believe that she’s going to enjoy this film, the overpriced snack bar goodies, and my in-depth critical analysis of the film once it concludes. Roger Ebert has passed and I’ve elected myself to carry on his legacy of educating the masses on film expertise. Sex ahoy!
Regina: I honestly have no idea how you managed to convince me to go out with you again.
Me: I too like to live dangerously.
Regina: Let’s just get this over with.
Me: You look lovely, my dear. Did you just get out of an oven though? Your face looks burnt.
Regina: You know I’m Jewish, right?
Me: Nein.
Regina: Well, I am!
Me: Looks like I’ll be eating Kosher tonight. I hope you bathe.
Regina: For God’s sakes; where are you taking me?
Me: I’m glad you asked, Basterd!
Regina: What did you just say to me!?
Me: Basterd! They’re re-releasing Quentin Tarantino’s film Inglourious Basterds this weekend. It tells the tale of Brad Pitt, the guy who directed Hostel, and Ryan from The Office who go an adventure to collect Nazi scalps. It’s quite poetic and will add IQ points to your score as if you were bumping Mozart.
Regina: What makes you think that I want to go see that?
Me: 1. Tarantino is a master of his craft and 2. It’ll get you in the right mood to scalp one of my heads. I’ll let you decide which head I’m referring to when we get back to my place! Sex ahoy!
Regina: I’m so confused. Are we going to see Teeth or something? That movie’s terrible.
Me: Sex ahoy!
We arrived at the theater about half an hour before the film’s previews were supposed to begin. If I so much as miss a second of any preview, I cannot sit in the movie out of fear that I’m missing out on the premiere of a masterclass film. I explained this to Regina, however she seemed upset that we were there so early. I think she was just eager to go back to my place. I don’t blame her, but we can’t miss out on 20+ minutes of previews and a nearly 3 hour film! Silly Regina.
We approached the box office to purchase our tickets. An employee, named Richie according to his nametag, manned the register we were lined up behind. It was quite busy, so he was pitching in to ensure we didn’t miss the previews. What a good man!
Richie: Welcome to South Park theaters, folks! How can I help you today?
Me: Good evening, Richie Rich. The lady and I would like tickets to Inglourious Basterds, please.
Richie: Ah, an excellent choice. That’ll be $20.
Me: No problemo! Here you go!
Richie: Um, sir, this is Monopoly money.
Me: That’s not just Monopoly money, Macaulay, that’s Monopoly Jr. Dig ‘n Dinos money!
Richie: It’s Richie, and I can’t accept this, sir. Only real American currency or a credit card can be accepted.
Me: Macaulay, you’ve got it all wrong. This is prehistoric dinosaur money right here! Did I mention this is the Dig n’ Dinos edition? Dinosaurs saw the very bills that I’m bestowing upon you when they roamed this Earth yesterday.
Richie: Dinosaurs lived millions of years ago.
Me: Well I bought this game yesterday, so I’d have to disagree. Dr. Grant stored those fossilized mosquitoes that were trapped in amber into the box, and the dino DNA they withheld were given to the consumer, which would be me because I’m a loyal customer at Toys “R” Us. As a gift, they gave me the currency that dinosaurs used way back in the day! This is worth more than your entire life!
Richie: Ugh. You know what, just so go inside. It’s free, just get out of here. Take your stupid dino money, too.
Me: I’m glad you see it my way, Macaulay. Please tell Michael Jackson I said hello.
After the misunderstanding at the box office, Regina and I made our way to the snack bar. I had a hankering for a bucket of popcorn and an Icee because I always wanted to be a polar bear when I was younger.
Me: Hello, my man. A large bucket of popcorn and a mixed Icee for me. I know my date here wants something, but I have to ensure that you mix my Icee perfectly. I want cherry mixed with the blue raspberry. It’s one of God’s greatest gifts to Man.
Employee: I understand, sir. How about for you, ma’am?
Regina: Is that entire bucket of popcorn for you?
Me: My doctor says I’m a big boy, so I need to eat like a big boy.
Regina: Why can’t we share!?
Me: You leave the eating to me, dearest. I need my stomach to inflate a little so you can bounce on it like a trampoline tonight.
Regina: I’m not having sex with y-
Me: I like my corn just like how I like my cherries: popped!
Regina: Oh, hell n-
Me: Sex ahoy!
We made way to the theater in order to watch our movie. Regina was all buckled in and ready to take in the glory that is the Inglourious Basterds. I should’ve asked ol’ Macaulay for a discount since Regina said she is Jewish. It would’ve made perfect economical sense. I’ll remember that the next time they play Schindler’s List.
Regina: This movie is horrible, can you please just take me home? This is way too violent.
Me: Are you crazy? I’ve had episodes in the bathroom that were more violent than this. You’re missing history here!
Regina: This isn’t history; this is Brad Pitt speaking in a terrible Italian accent. And who the hell is that?
Me: The African Jew wearing a hoodie?
Regina: Wrong movie, dumbass. Besides, he’s white and clearly wearing a Nazi uniform.
Me: Why, that is the infamous Jew Hunter aka who I’ll be role-playing tonight when we go to bed. If Christoph Waltz won an Academy Award for this role, just wait until I get busy with you tonight!
Regina: Nein nein nein nein nein nein nein!
Me: Oh yes yes yes yes yes!
My Seven Devils 