1. “You seem like a really nice guy, but I’m just not ready for a relationship right now.”
What we like to think she’s saying: “If we date, it would get ugly. You don’t seem like somebody who could play his cards right in any situation, therefore causing my recessive psycho-bitch gene to become fully expressive at the drop of a dime. You don’t want to see what it looks like when a white girl like me gets her period. Do you remember what OJ’s Bronco looked like in the aftermath? Did you really just allude to the size of your junk? Please, I could’ve sworn when you put a condom on that I was staring into the eye of a famined poltergeist. Your days of dripping ectoplasm in my haunted house are long gone, Casper. Well, have a nice day!”
2. “Oh my God, girl! I LOVE your outfit today.”
What we like to think she’s saying: “Bitch, please. Those orangutan tits of yours are poisoning the fabric. What are you, cold? It’s like 60 degrees out and your nipples are tearing through the threads. What, do you want people to read braille on your chest or something? Is that a new up and coming method for whoring? And ugh, that lipstick is atrocious. It looks like you’re trying to make every orifice on your body look indistinguishable. Oh, and of course, the yoga pants aren’t very original either. I’m still trying to determine whether the camel from the Geico Hump Day commercial is responsible for curb stomping your nether region in when you got dressed this morning. Did you refuse to tell him what day it was? What a tragedy. Well, have a nice day!”
3. “I’ll just have a salad, please.”
What we like to think she’s saying: “Dude behind the counter: why are you looking at me that way? Are you judging the fact that I came to McDonald’s to order a salad? Forgive me for thinking ahead. I don’t want to be farting bits of bacon out for the better part of the afternoon. Okay, okay, I’m totally fibbing. I came in fiending for a Coke and a Royale with Cheese until I discovered that your customers make lunchtime look like a porno starring Sally Struthers and Rosie O’Donnell. I have to maintain my weight; I can’t afford to yo-yo like Oprah in the 90’s. If I let that happen, Harpo productions will soon become Harpoon and the townspeople will be chucking them at me like Captain Ahab on angel dust. Well, have a nice day!”
4. “Oh, of course you can have my number! It’s (insert phone number here).“
What we like to think she’s saying: “Hah, you wanna hit this raw dog and bail? Too bad, because I know something you don’t know! I didn’t give you my phone number. I gave you the number of the nearest Planned Parenthood clinic so you can get yourself a vasectomy. After they rewire your plumbing, you won’t get to experience Mendelian genetics first-hand because you won’t have any genes to pass on. How does it feel knowing that a wimpy dinner vegetable like peas have been more successful at breeding than you? You’re so incompetent that you couldn’t get fucked by a middle finger. Well, have a nice day!”
5. “I’ll be there at 8 o’clock sharp!”
What we like to think she’s saying: “Let me test your basic arithmetic skills. If I say that I’m going to be there at 8 o’clock sharp, that should induce even a non-mathematician such as yourself to believe that I’ll arrive at least two hours late, therefore it will be 10 o’clock when I will actually show up. I feel a little uneasy knowing that you’ve spent the entire evening peering out of the mail slot of the front door in anticipation of my arrival. Are you expecting the Wet Bandits or something? In that case, forget about me ever showing up. I thought about just walking up and slipping two middle fingers through the mail slot, but I’m afraid you’ve spunked on the metal many a time waiting for a single girl to show up. I’ll do you a solid and send Richard Simmons over to prance around your living room like a pony instead. He’s probably the most famous member of the Sticky Bandits. Well, have a nice day!”
“Lemme tell you what I really think.”
My Seven Devils 