Learn Something About Love

From me?  No, you aren’t going to learn anything about love from me.  That requires me to actually be in love and pass knowledge onto you like you’re all some dick-riding disciples.  Nothing aggravates me more when people say, “You don’t know what love is,” or, “Nobody knows what love truly is.”  I understand the intensity and impact surrounding the word, but that doesn’t mean it’s universally undefined.  There’s no reason for couples to make the word so cryptic that they try to force themselves to discover the true meaning.  I’m not going to jump through hoops to define my meaning of the word just to satisfy your insatiable hunger.

Words are apparently not enough these days.  At least when I’ve been in relationships, I’ve had to suffer through many grueling tasks in order to prove I meant that love wasn’t just a 4 letter word.  I swear these girls were psycho over this word with multiple meanings.  If she said, “I love you,” and I didn’t respond with a similar phrase, I got that pathetic little death glare girls give when you aren’t thinking the exact same thing as them. You aren’t going to exorcise that phrase out of me just because you said it.  We’ve been dating for what, 2 weeks?  In this stage after 2 weeks of thought, I love you as much as I do my Xbox.  Yeah, you’re awesome, but your tone suggests we’ve been married at least half a century. You haven’t given me much time to allow your personality and all those good things to sink in.

In my opinion, you and I won’t reach “love” unless we’ve come to some kind of mutual agreement.

We’ve got to understand each other and we don’t need to have sex just so we can say we’re in love.

“Like OMG, Evan, save that word for the woman you’re going to be with for the rest of your life!”

Oh shit, my bad, I’ve already used it on that one girl I don’t even talk to anymore. I can’t say it ever again.

Chances are you’ll have a few relationships in your lifetime.  You never know who you’re going to end up with, or you never know who you’re not going to end up with.  Why enter each relationship thinking you’re going to spend the rest of your life with this individual?  People hate it when I have this “negative” attitude about dating.  Yes, I’m going to predict that you guys are going to break up within the next few months.  It’s not going to work out because you’re going to truly figure out who you both are and then move on to other people.  Essentially, you’re practicing by using a fake version of the word “love” on other people until you get to that hyped up moment of marriage with some other person you would have never imagined.

No wonder people get heartbroken so often. Does this make me a bad boyfriend because I think most relationships are going to end prematurely? Not really, I see you using me as practice until you can finally use the word for real on the person you really love. You’re welcome.  I’m glad you used me as a training tool to find your true love.  Dating really is a trial and error process.

I Just Met My Potential Future Brother In-Law

It isn’t long until the family you’ve grown up with for so many years starts adding members to the family tree.  Your mother could’ve given birth, you could’ve discovered long lost cousins, or your sister fell in love with a guy who hails from Connecticut.  The last of these three possibilities rings true today.   I was aware of his arrival because of my dog’s incessant barking.  I was thoroughly excited to meet this guy, although naturally anxious because this could be the guy that grants my sister his last name for the rest of eternity.

I don’t know much about this guy and I’ve spent the majority of my time protesting the relationship.  I was initially scared because this guy lives in Connecticut, no where near our home state.  This means he can get away with practically everything and nobody in our immediate family would ever know about it.

I put on my glasses and stumbled into the kitchen of our house.  Once I got a look at him I politely introduced myself with a customary handshake and a twitch of my awkward eyes.  We’ve literally exchanged no more than five words since his arrival, but he had to go back to the airport because they lost his baggage.  The only thought that I could conjure up in my melon was “This is it.”

“This is it.”  This is the beginning of the rest of our relationship and physical existence.  I can’t tell you if he’s here to stay permanently because they are talking about marriage, but it’s only in the discussion stages.  It’s just weird to think that twenty years from now, I’ll be in my forties potentially playing with their children before we all sit around the table sharing a Thanksgiving meal, establishing new family traditions as the years roll by.

He seems like a great guy and I’m all for giving him a chance.  I’m taking him to see Django Unchained this weekend.  He’s reportedly a film buff just like me, so we’re already off to a great start.  I can only hope for the best because I have a feeling this guy is going to be here for a long time.  He just better like the movie, because Tarantino is one of my favorites.

Blank Staring

When you get incredibly bored, it’s part of human nature to quit squirming around and let your eyes do all of the work.  This rang true while I was at the mall today waiting for my mom to get out of the makeup department at Nordstrom.  I sat down and just let my eyes follow every person that graced my presence, like little kids in the back of a soccer-mom van watching every car fly by on the interstate.

I took note of every girl I’ll never have the pleasure of treating to dinner and a movie, and I calculated ratios in my head to determine the number of obesity victims to everyone else.  Society sure is rich of colorful characters, some I’ll never have the chance to interact with.  I only wander who is staring at me while I creepily ogle from afar.  Who else is engaging in this same activity as I am?

Boredom is not given enough credit.  What other times do you really have the chance to just sit there and take a gander at your immediate environment?  I’ve certainly learned much about myself and how I fit myself into such a puzzle of an environment.