March Madness has empowered you to put down the jar of Nutella, get off the couch, and suit up for the local basketball court because 1) Your bracket has gone straight to hell and 2) You have scores to settle with yourself. Maybe you’ve racked up some poundage over the years and want to slim down and be athletic again. Maybe you want to prove to a pretty lady on the sidelines that you’ve got game, signified by glistening sweat and a jump-shot that would make wolves howl as the ball glides through the sky.
Maybe there’s an 8 year-old neighborhood menace named Dennis, and he’s been balling since he was sperm in his father’s testicles. This little hobbit with a goofy name has not lost a one-on-one match in his very short career and it’s getting very annoying. It’s time to put a stop to his reign before he discovers the intricate workings of his genitals and threatens to go after your mother when he turns 16. Follow these guidelines to defeat Dennis, or live with shame when he gives you a little brother or sister.
Assess Your Opponent
Your unwillingness to drink milk and eat vegetables as a child has stunted your growth significantly, making you look like the offspring of a love affair between Muggsy Bogues and a Neanderthal. Dennis has followed his mother’s strict nutritional guidelines as she packs his lunch everyday and, as a result, is on track to reach his full growth potential. You’ve still got him by a few inches and possess enough stomach fat to fend off an oncoming cannonball, so it would be wise to assert your dominance with your God-given stature.
Compare Strengths and Weaknesses
You’ve exchanged your past athletic ability for an Xbox and every installment of the NBA 2k series. Dennis has practiced with his father on a daily basis and knows the fundamentals of basketball. However, he is a child and, therefore, comically stupid. His attention will be diverted away from the game the second an ice cream truck drives down the street. Take advantage of his attention deficit disorder and score a basket while he’s busy ordering a fudgsicle. Hire local school girls to open up a bake sale or a lemonade stand to cause further distraction. Be sure to also not wear any deodorant for several days before the match; body odor has been known to ward off females and make children believe there’s a serial kidnapper in a van nearby. Dennis will be paralyzed out of fear for the duration play and be unable to get back on defense.
Trash-Talking Strategies
An 8 year-old will most likely not understand what you meant when you described what you did to his mother last night. Instead of having to explain it to him several times, make it known that he has a big head and that there are invisible child-eating crocodiles absolutely everywhere. Let him know that they’re going to eat his family, and then inform him that Thomas the Tank Engine just got in a fatal accident when he drunkenly rammed into a freight train full of methylamine. Lecture him thereafter about the dangers of drinking and driving, then discretely have your way with his mother.
Posting Up
Dennis hasn’t had much time for his muscles to develop, so make use of your musculature to make him back down on the asphalt like Rodney King. Intimidate him by flopping around Vlade Divac-style on a near-lethal amount of cocaine, then throw elbows like the elderly at a Bingo match. There are numerous ways to going about posting up down low, and you can always recruit the basketball pole to set a pick if Dennis proves to be wily on defense.
Shooting the J
Ferociously roar like the mighty grizzly if Dennis inches up to contest your shot. Lay an abundance of needles and thumbtacks you got from your mother’s sewing desk on the ground where Dennis is bound to land when he attempts to block your shot. This should blow his tires out, making him immobile and unable to follow up on defense yet again. If you happen to miss your jump shot, he will still be stationary as he tends to his unfortunate wounds. This sets you up to get your own rebound and put it back up for an easy basket.
Defense Mechanisms
It’s always suggested that you protect your nether region if you’re going for the charging call, but grabbing your junk in the presence of a minor may prove suspicious to the sheriff hanging out in his squad car out in the parking lot. Instead, present him any complicated calculus or statistics formula that you learned in college and ask him to solve a word problem involving those equations. Children are notoriously poor at solving word problems, and Dennis has been struggling in math class recently. Make him feel inadequate by not being able to solve the problem, causing any electrical current in his brain to cease entirely and rendering him a vegetable. Steal the ball away from him and hit the game-winning basket.
I hope this helps you to eliminate Dennis, allowing yourself and the neighborhood residents to elect you as King of the court.
My Seven Devils 