1. Waiting for the bus with a stupid smile engraved in my face, I managed to get one of those ill-timed erections that likes to happen when you’re surrounded by other women. While my shorts were getting a mouth full, I wasn’t aware of the old, classic guy trick to hide my boner in the waistband of my trousers. The other people (mostly women) quickly released a hound of cackles as they took note of the third arm suddenly growing out of my body.
2. The laws of puberty proved to be embarrassing in high school, especially for me. During my freshman year of high school, my twin sister was about 2 inches taller than I was, and stronger. In fact, she was capable of straight up kicking my ass. Nothing is worse than being defenseless towards some blonde chick who has many friends to chime in on the torture with a symphony of laughter and an over-usage of the word “pussy”.
3. My hair used to be much longer, practically down to my shoulders. It was a straight, strawberry blonde cut until you got down past my ears where it decided to curl and squiggle uncontrollably down to my shoulders. I was convinced it was a ladies magnet because, at the time, many guys had longer hair to complement their “skater” lifestyle. I wasn’t a skater, but I thought my hair looked good until a friend of mine took a picture of me from the side on his cellphone. I realized at this moment that this catastrophe was a biological misfortune and the furthest thing from a ladies magnet. Picture the thought of Honey Boo-Boo becoming an older woman and letting her pubic region grow without ever shaving. If you chopped all of that off and pasted it on my head, I would look similar to how I looked freshman year of high school.
4. While I just recently complained about my unfortunate height in comparison to my twin sister, my eventual 6’2″ frame also proved to contribute to my loser persona. I had landed my first real girlfriend by the power of being completely desperate. She clocked in at about 5’2″, well short of my height. This proved to be difficult by the time prom came around because I practically had to crack my vertebrae in six places just to lean over and kiss her and dance with her. By the end of the night, I was on my knees more than a prisoner who had to suck dick to get an ounce of cocaine when he ran out of loose change.
5. To control my aforementioned embarrassments from further public exposure, my weekends consisted of playing video games, discovering masturbation, devouring pizza rolls and developing my imagination, sometimes all at the same time since weekends tended to go by really fast. I never ventured beyond my house unless there was a new flick in the movie theaters. It was really during these lonely weekends that I began to discover who I really was and who I was bound to become.
In reality, each of these 5 embarrassments have helped to evolve my character to where it is today. I’m happy with myself today, so I suppose I can thank high school and my many misfortunes for where I am today.
My Seven Devils 