A man myself, I admit that men are dismal at being cryptic in their text messages. Behold, these are 7 text messages that men will potentially send if their real intention is to pursue something further with a member of the female persuasion.
1. “How’s your day going?”
What he’s thinking when he hits send:
‘She’s gotta know that someone cares to listen about her daily adventures. Sadly, I wasn’t a part of those adventures, so I’m currently damned to inquire through text message. Please, enlighten me with every last detail. I must know anything and everything about your day. None of that monosyllabic nonsense such as “Good.” I’m totally obsessed without you knowing, so just give me what I want. I just want to hug you tighter than your yoga pants.’
What she’s thinking when she reads it:
‘It was going swell until your name popped up on my iPhone.’
2. FILE ATTACHED-selfie.jpg
What he’s thinking when he hits send:
‘I’m rather sly if I don’t say so myself. Sure, selfies are kind of homosexual, but dammit this is for a woman and I must compromise. She needs to know what she’s dealing with, which is the left side of my face that I consider my ‘better side.’ Her taste buds are destined to register the flavor that is my chiseled left side. There are no zits to taint the flavor and my bone structure is perfectly proportional, giving my face the shape that makes the ladies swoon. I would’ve sent a pic of my abs, but I’m still working on those. Be patient, ladies, it’s a work-in-progress.’
What she’s thinking when she reads it:
‘LOL.’
3. “Good morning.”
What he’s thinking when he hits send:
‘She needs to know someone’s thinking about her even at 8 in the morning, and that smart bastard is gonna be me. No, it’s not creepy…there’s no set time of day that’s socially acceptable to start texting. Hell, I should’ve sent it earlier! No worries, it’ll be the first thing she’ll wake up to today and she’ll be ecstatic, grinning and flashing those orgasmic pearly whites for a better part of the day. I’m so clever that I’m hard just thinking about it.’
What she’s thinking when she reads it:
‘Dude, texting me at the ass-crack of dawn will not make me want to put out.’
4. “Wanna come watch a movie? I’m thinking horror tonight.”
What he’s thinking when he hits send:
‘It’s genius, chicks love horror movies! I have an arsenal of flicks that would scare the panties off of her, therefore doing half the work for me. It gives me a good excuse to coincidentally grab her hand at a scary moment, and then inch my way closer and closer to show her someone’s there to comfort her. Now, should I cut a hole in the popcorn bucket, or should I wear sweatpants since they’re looser and she’ll have easy access to snake her hand in?”
What she’s thinking when she reads it:
‘Gun control is somewhat of an issue in this country, so I’ll just utilize the pepper spray my mom gave me if he pulls that popcorn trick. I’d rather watch a porno of your father getting cock-blocked so that you were never born.’
5. “Hey.”
What he’s thinking when he hits send:
‘Well shit, I didn’t know what else to say, so hey was my best bet. Oh well, she’ll respond with something more and I can just build off of that. In my opinion, it’s a hell of a conversation starter. I can’t be too forward and be like, “Hey, I think you’re hot and I want to be on you.” Instead, allow me to butter you up by starting with a three letter text message. Going the casual route will make her think, “OH MY GAWD, he said hey!” She can’t just not respond, right?’
What she’s thinking when she reads it:
‘Bye.’
6. “Wanna play 20 questions?”
What he’s thinking when he hits send:
‘I tell ya, this worked that one time when I was with that one girl, and we ended up dropping trou and doing the nasty. How’s that for statistical significance, naysayers? It’s the perfect game to get her hot and bothered. I’ll just play it smooth and start off with some bullshit nonsense like asking about her favorite color or favorite movie. Right around question 4 or 5 is where things will start getting heavy, like when was her first kiss or when was the first time she had sex. To keep with the theme, she’ll have to ask me similar questions, and eventually the questions will get so dirty that it’d be better to explore them physically rather than verbally. It’s fool-proof!’
What she’s thinking when she reads it:
‘What the hell is this shit? This is getting weird, perhaps I should’ve installed that electrical fence in my pants. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.’
7. “So, are there any new guys in your life?”
What he’s thinking when he hits send:
‘I should be the guy in your life. Come on, I’ve asked about your day, I’ve sent you numerous selfies, I woke up at 6 am just to tell you good morning, we watched the entire Leprechaun horror movie marathon starring Warwick Davis, I routinely greet you with a panty-dropping “Hello” on the regular, and we even played a round of 20 questions. What else do you need for me to be a primary candidate? The second you tell me there isn’t another dude in your life is the second I’ll conjure up a collage of naughty pictures and send them your way. Please don’t phone the authorities, I’m just desperate.’
What she’s thinking when she reads it:
‘Should I just tell him that I’m a lesbian?’
My Seven Devils 