I Couldn’t Sleep Last Night

The room was as black as Onyx.  It was an uneasy slumber.  A blind baby mouse was attracted to the heat abandoning my mouth as yet another nightmare played in my head.  Seeking warmth, he climbed into the crevice and situated himself on my taste buds.  His fur tickled the roof of my mouth and his claws scraped the enamel of my teeth.  He welcomed each breath that warmed him.

Skeletal, the blind mouse yearned to fill his gut.  He couldn’t find anything until he stepped further into the back of my mouth.  His whiskers registered my uvula and teased the back of my throat.  He thought he had stumbled upon a feast.  His teeth punctured my uvula, causing me to awake from my previous nightmare and bellow with unimaginable pain.  Startled, the blind mouse bit even harder and severed the uvula.  I, too, was startled and accidentally swallowed the blind mouse.

He had had his last meal as he traveled slowly down my esophagus, trying to use his claws on the tissue to prevent the fall.  He met his demise in a pool of gastric acid.  He died on a full stomach, nonetheless.

23 Ways to Waste Time When You Can’t Sleep

Unfortunately, insomnia doesn’t seem to exist when it’s bright and early in the morning. We’ve laid our heads to rest when we’ve finally found 8 hours at night to be unconscious and not have a care about daily struggles. Sleepless nights can be a struggle in their own villainous fashion, but they don’t have to be! Here’s a bunch of different ways to conquer the sleepless night!

1. Read the most boring book you can possibly get your hands on, whether it be a novel or a textbook for class.
2. Hire Ben Stein to give you a lecture on American economics.
3. Begin watching a new television show, or catch reruns of Breaking Bad.
4. Clean out the lint and whatever other foreign objects you’ve managed to cram into your belly button.
5. Creep on your friends of interest on Facebook.
6. Create an alter-ego so that you have company.
7. Draw up a plan to chat up the guy or girl you’re craving to get to know.
8. Already have a boyfriend or girlfriend? Egg ‘em on for some crazy “I can’t sleep, fix this shit now” sex.
9. They aren’t in bed with you? Or maybe you really are alone? God gave you two hands for dire situations. Utilize the dominant hand for familiar, guaranteed satisfaction. Utilize your non-dominant hand to simulate the real thing.
10. Once you’re done playing with yourself, play with a Rubix cube.
11. Do your taxes.
12. Guzzle down some alcohol. Choose your poison wisely.
13. Take the bottle of alcohol you just polished off and smack it into the occipital lobe of your brain. Your dark bedroom will soon turn into a homemade planetarium, complete with stars and other shiny objects.
14. Find Biggie and Tupac’s murderers and personally ask them to gun you down.
15. Ask one of your monotonous friends to tell you a story, then inhale the sleeping gas they breathe from their mouth.
16. Dutch oven yourself repeatedly as heat helps you become more and more sleepy.
17. Sob and cry over the failure that is your life.
18. Learn a second, or even a third language. Research shows that ignorance is not a language that will get you laid.
19. Brush up on your useless trivia knowledge so you can win a free beer at the local pub.
20. Watch birth videos of various humans and other mammalian species.
21. Learn about the intricacies of how mommy and daddy created you.
22. Write the next great American novel.
23. Stick ice cubes into your nostrils for an extended period of time in hopes of developing cold-like symptoms. Then you can call out of work the next day and actually try to get some sleep.