I thought that I would delve into some independent detective work without actually joining the police force. Well, this isn’t really detective work, but I’ve got my eye hawking over the student population as they stumble and weep through the campus library. Watching these specimens stagger about the building was like watching the three leads in The Blair Witch Project: they couldn’t find their way out and were always peering behind their shoulders to see if another academic assignment was going to jump them. While this really isn’t detective work, the dangers of getting shot on the job are still very real. My calculations indicate a student is likely to pull out a handgun and pop his homework like it was the Notorious B.I.G. sitting at a stoplight in L.A. Let’s see if we can get a closer look. My data has been compiled over the span of 45 measly minutes, although I’ve ascertained that it only takes 3.9 seconds to observe the onset of a mental breakdown.
Objective: Observe the behavior of students studying for mid-terms and completing other assignments. Afterwards, predict the score they’ll achieve on said mid-term(s) and homework assignments.
Location: 2nd floor of the campus library. This floor is designated as the “group study” floor, meaning conversation is permitted.
Subject #1: A female studying the differences between DNA and RNA. She has occupied an iMac desktop to examine the exhaustive details of our genetic makeup. A hot cup of stimulants, otherwise known to the general population as coffee, has been employed to assist her in her quest to conquer the material. A noticeable pattern emerged as she engaged with the task at hand. I deciphered this pattern as: Study roughly 12 seconds worth of notes, check cellular device for text messages and other notifications, study again for short period of time, then check cellular device for more notifications. This same cycle continued for the rest of the allotted time that I allowed myself to study her. The ability to juggle the demands of academic and social life has proved to be an innate behavior of this specimen.
Predicted score on Biology Exam: 78%. An admirable score not likely to be attained by the average slacker.
Subject #2: A male with an assortment of papers, a spiral notebook, and a textbook scattered at a table meant for 4 people. It couldn’t be determined what subject he was studying for, although the apparent disorganization of his workspace indicated three possibilities: Organic Chemistry, Thermodynamics, or a cry for help . He shuffled these papers around the table like an ill-mannered toddler playing with his dinner. His aura reeked of desperation for a grade that would look nice on a transcript and his mother’s refrigerator.
Predicted score on Unknown Exam: 42%. However, considering the Chemistry department is under probation for failing too many students, the subject’s score will more than likely be curved to a passing grade. New score: 65%.
Subject #3: A male with what looks to be a 15″ Macbook Pro checking his Facebook profile. It appears that the subject has no friend requests, messages, or other notifications to attend to. Instead of studying the notes scattered before him, he is studying the lives of his Facebook friends encoded in the news feed. It’s unknown whether the subject personally knows his electronic friends. To get another angle on this subject’s study habits, it would be beneficial to interview his E-friends and ask them to complete a self-report questionnaire regarding the issue at hand. Unfortunately, I’m unable to read the names of his E-friends on his laptop screen, so my sole assessment will have to suffice.
Predicted score on Unknown Assignment/Exam: Turned in three days late/58%. Facebook account deactivated to reevaluate his academic career.
Subject #4, #5, & #6: Three females grouped together at a table. Subject #5 was wearing a sweater with Greek letters stitched on the front. The other two females did not wear matching outfits, although the possibility of them belonging to the same organization exists. Once again, I could not determine what academic subject was being studied. The group demonstrated exquisite teamwork like a gang of ants carrying an abandoned roadside cracker. The material being studied was encoded and stored away into their long-term memory, ready to be retrieved at a moment’s notice.
Predicted scores on Unknown Assignments/Exams: 80%-95%. I am currently seeking membership to their exclusive study group in hopes of acquiring their stellar wealth of knowledge.
Subject #7 aka Myself: A male occupying a table meant for 4 people for the sole purpose of staring at other students. In order to blend in with his environment, he has camouflaged himself with grace like the deceased Crocodile Hunter to make it look like he’s studying. With wandering eyes, the specimen displayed poor time-management skills knowing that he has two exams to study for this week.
Predicted scores on Biology/Psychology Exams: I just don’t care anymore.
Works Cited: My creepy, wandering eyeballs.
My Seven Devils 