Remember those awkward days in elementary school before those awkward days in middle/high school where the class project was to make a mandatory Valentine’s Day card for a classmate? You know what I’m talking about, because the goal was for everyone in the classroom to receive one from somebody else in the class. Little boys and girls got creative in the classroom with their Valentine’s cards by decorating them with chicken-scratch, misspellings of everyday language, and an excess of Elmer’s glue infected with cooties and nasal discharge. Nothing says “I love you” more than receiving a Valentine’s Day card from a fellow classmate who tells you she did it because she wanted a satisfactory grade on their report card. I wasn’t this lucky, however, because I never received a mandatory V-Day card. Instead, my 2nd grade teacher decided to cheat on her husband and make me one so I didn’t feel completely nonexistent, but really she was just making fun of the sexual failures of an 8 year-old.
Coming home that day was rough because my twin sister had dozens of Valentine’s cards. I spent Valentine’s day learning that my pint-sized penis was a vestigial structure; a doomed fossil that Dr. Alan Grant and his colleagues would be ashamed to discover on a digging expedition. Besides my own loving mother, my 2nd grade teacher was the last serious Valentine that I’ve had since I was a young buck. Cupid has not shot an arrow into either hemisphere of my buttocks or any unsuspecting female that I’ve stalked on Facebook in my entire 22 years of life. My mother’s womb didn’t even want me anymore on my day of birth. What a tragedy.
I’m here to tell you that none of that matters anymore. Valentine’s Day is some sort of last-ditch effort in case you forgot your lover’s birthday, anniversary date, Arbor day, etc. It’s a day designated for love as if we don’t love on any other day of the year unless the calendar highlights the fact that it’s a holiday. Loneliness reigns for many segments of the population as a person’s right hand or schizophrenic hallucinations no longer cut it as viable partners on this day of love. February 14th would rather you socialize with the meat sacks we call humans and spend money at Walmart in order to celebrate properly. I haven’t succeeded in this endeavor because every time I spell a girl’s name on a Valentine’s card, she spells my name on a restraining order. Well, not really, but she disappears quicker than a missing child on a milk carton.
However, I still long for the day that I can be cheesy and show up unannounced at a woman’s house with a rose and a half-empty box of chocolates that I ate on the way over. I’d sexily ring the doorbell to the tune of “Ice Ice Baby” and try to sit back and look cool as the thorns of the rose puncture my epidermis. She’d answer the door looking like a million bucks while my face tomatoes and takes after the hindquarters of an African baboon. Her angelic features would twinkle in my cornea, and I’d get so distracted by her beauty that I would think she’s speaking parseltongue, embarrassingly raising the slithery bastard beneath my belt for all to see. I’d be an absolute car wreck on her doorstep, but the goal is for her to feel loved and special; not for me to look like a Ryan Gosling poster.
Don’t we all crave for the scenario I have just described above? Well, obviously, who doesn’t want to be loved? I want to have a successful Valentine’s Day at some point in my future, but it doesn’t mean anything in comparison to the other 364 days that we could share together. You may be lonely on this very day as many of us have for years on end, however it doesn’t compare to the very day that special someone decides to walk into your life for the first time.
If you don’t have a date today, don’t fret. I advise you to acquire some chocolate, a bottle of Chianti, and a good show on Netflix to binge-watch. Ignore the fact that your neighbors upstairs are having steamy Valentine’s Day sex, role playing as a prisoner and her tough-as-nails prison guard; your day is soon to come.
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! Now excuse me, I have a lunch date with a pretty lady.
My Seven Devils 